1 week Ago
By Karla L. Miller Reader: I recently started a new position at a small company. In my role, I’ve taken over some responsibilities from a colleague who has been in the office for around a year, although we’re ranked at the same level.
This colleague often approaches me in a very emotional manner to question why I have completed a task in a particular way (despite receiving approval from my manager). She also lashes out emotionally at other colleagues in the office over how they complete their work. I’m uncomfortable with this person’s behavior, and other colleagues have said they are, too.
What’s the best way to handle this? I don’t want to have to escalate it to our manager. Karla: It’s not clear why you all seem so cowed by this person flapping around your face and telling you how to do your job even though she apparently has no authority over you. A peek behind her frenetic facade might help make her less intimidating.
From here, your co-worker’s aggression reads as anxiety, and I’d bet it’s either the result of or the reason for her duties being reassigned. She might be sincerely concerned things aren’t being done correctly, or she might just be lashing out in fear that she’s being replaced. Either way, she’s not helping her cause by grilling everyone.
If you’re at all curious about what’s driving her, you could respond with questions: “What’s the problem with doing X? What would you recommend instead?” See whether her explanation makes sense, or whether she’s just flailing against the tides. Feeling heard could defuse her. You don’t have to go to that trouble, of course.
You could just skip playing detective and go straight to diplomatic stonewalling. Either take the content of her interrogations at face value and disregard the delivery, or focus entirely on the delivery. Here’s an example of the first option: When she demands to know why on earth you have done something a particular way, give a straight answer: The manager told you to.
If she demands to know the reasons, you answer: “You’ll have to ask our manager that.” Meanwhile, the second option looks like this: “Please don’t speak to me like that.” Repeat as needed and refuse to engage until she dials it way back.
Maybe that will put an end to her badgering. Or maybe it would be more efficient and effective to do the thing you’re trying to avoid and just talk to your manager. That last option might provide some important behind-the-scenes context.
Maybe your colleague is being nudged out for political or personality reasons, and you and others have become collateral targets. Maybe management needs to clarify roles, status and oversight protocols. Maybe your overbearing colleague actually has some legitimate points worth hearing.
By speaking to management, you’re placing responsibility for resolving this conflict with them, where it belongs. They can either talk to her or give you the go-ahead to respond as you see fit. If your fellow browbeaten colleagues are also willing to speak up on their own behalf, it will reinforce that message.
So why are you resisting that approach? I can only guess at some reasons: You’re unsure of your standing; even though you and your kibitzing co-worker technically hold the same rank, she has a bit more seniority and experience. You’re reluctant to give your manager the impression you can’t handle problems yourself. You may be worried she’ll double down or retaliate if you complain about her.
The best way to escalate an issue without feeling like you’re overstepping, tattling or kicking a hornet’s nest is to approach your manager with an explanation of the problem, a proposed solution in mind, and a request for guidance on how to implement your solution. Again, you can frame the problem as one of content or delivery. Content: “I was doing this project as we discussed, but our co-worker seems to think I should be handling it differently.
Should I factor in her suggestions, or stick with what you and I agreed on?” (Humility is never a bad look.) Delivery: “Our co-worker is making me uncomfortable and holding up my work with her interrogations. Do I have permission to cut her off, or do you recommend I handle it another way?”.
