When too many voices speak in your marriage

Since the time Tolu and Bimpe got married, their home never really belonged to them. They had it on loan from their family, their friends, and sometimes even their neighbours. It was not something they had planned, but it was something that had happened.

Gradually, their marriage was not between the two of them, but between them and a committee of voices giving unsolicited advice, making decisions for them, and shaping their marriage in ways they could barely have imagined.It started innocently enough. Bimpe’s mother, who was always extremely close to her, called every day to inquire about how she was doing.



Initially, it was a simple, “How are you, my daughter? Have you eaten?” Soon it became, “What did Tolu say regarding the money you sent last week? “or “I hope you’re not letting him tell you what to do.” On Tolu’s part, his older sister, who had been practically a second mother to him, would drop by unannounced, instructing him on what to eat and how to handle his wife.“Don’t let her boss you around,” she warned.

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display('div-gpt-ad-1718806029429-0'); }); “Women these days, if you give them too much power, they will start making all the decisions.”Initially, Tolu and Bimpe did not think twice about it. After all, they were brought up in run-of-the-mill Nigerian households where family participation was the culture.

It was taken for granted that mothers would have something to say about everything. Fathers were expected to insist on their input in matters of money, and siblings would always have their say regarding marriage conflicts. But before long, the small intrusions grew into an issue of contention.

One night, Bimpe’s mother called and asked about an argument she and Tolu had had the previous night. “Mummy, how did you hear about that?” she asked, surprised. “Did you not report your sister?” her mother asked.

“She told me, and I said I would call you immediately. A man should never speak to you in that manner. If you allow him to do it once, he will continue.

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push({})}); Bimpe sighed. She had only mentioned it to her sister offhand, just to get things off her chest. She had not anticipated the whole family to know within a few hours, and to start arguing about it.

That night, when she came home, Tolu looked shaken. “Why does your whole family need to know what happens in our house?” he demanded. “Do you have to tell them everything?His phone rang before he could respond.

It was his older sister. He picked the call and heard her loud voice that could be heard by Bimpe. “Tolu, I have heard what happened when your wife spoke to you.

You should not put up with that. You are the man of the house!”Just like that, a minor disagreement that should have ended with a conversation between husband and wife had escalated into a family war. Many marriages have been touched by the outside world.

Parents, siblings, and even friends, as much as they are well-meaning, cross lines that need never be crossed. They turn small issues into full-blown wars, impose decisions that need to be personal, and sometimes unconsciously plant seeds of suspicion between couples. In a society as family-oriented, it is sometimes difficult to draw lines.

Bimpe and Tolu’s relationship got worse before it got better. One day, after yet another argument, Bimpe’s mum called her and told her to come home for a bit. “Give him space,” she told her.

“If he misses you, he will come find you.”In the evening, while Bimpe was packing a small bag, Tolu noticed her. “You are leaving because your mother asked you to?” he inquired.

She hesitated. She was not sure if she was leaving because she genuinely needed time out or if her mother had convinced her that it was for the best. She knew, then, that she was allowing other individuals dictate the direction of her marriage.

Instead of leaving, she sat with her husband, and for the first time in months, they had a glimpse of honesty. “I feel like we let too many people into our house,” she admitted. “ I feel like we need to take it back.

” Tolu nodded. He had sensed this too but had no idea how to say it. That night, they decided to impose boundaries.

They vowed that if anything happened, no matter what, they would talk to one another first before talking to anybody else.They agree to cut family members off from every disagreement. Above all, they decided to honour each other enough to fight out problems like couples, not combatants with other armies supporting them.

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push({})}); It did not come easy. When Bimpe’s mum called the following morning, inquiring why she had not returned home, she explained to her kindly: “Mummy, I love you, but I must sort out my marriage for myself.” Her mum did not receive it quite well at first, but eventually, she learned to accept the choice.

Tolu, too, had to stand firm. When his sister phoned to ask if he had “dealt” with his wife, he told her, “Bimpe and I are sorting things out together.” She was upset at first.

“You are choosing your wife over your family?” she asked. He spoke softly, saying, “I’m choosing my marriage.”The truth is, outside interference does not happen overnight.

It starts small with a mother’s intrusive advice, a friend’s remark about your spouse, or a sibling’s helpful meddling. If it is not dealt with, it can grow into something much bigger, undermining the very foundation of a marriage.Tolu and Bimpe’s marriage improved over time, not because things disappeared, but because they got better at handling them.

They still enjoy their families but no longer let them dictate in their home. When they disagree, they resolve the issue among themselves first. When they require advice, they go to wiser counsellors, not to individuals who will align with one party or exacerbate the problem.

Marriage is between two people, and while relatives and friends can be a source of assistance, they must never take on the husband-wife positions. A mother never takes the place of a wife. A sister cannot be employed as a second husband.

And friends, no matter how close, cannot operate their business in another person’s home.If your marriage is under pressure because of outside influence, step back and reflect. Are opinions from others overshadowing your decision-making? Are you prioritising your marriage or other people’s expectations? Are you and your husband really one, or are you fighting fights created by outsiders within your walls? Protect your marriage.

Set boundaries. Respect your wife. The only voices that truly speak in your marriage are your voice and the voice of God.

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push({})}); Tolu and Bimpe learnt this the hard way, but you don’t have to. Decide today to make a home that is yours and yours alone.For further comment, please contact: Osondu Anyalechi: 0909 041 9057; anyalechiosondu@yahoo.

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