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If you’re at all familiar with culture, you’ve likely heard the terms “top,” “bottom,” and “ .” Originally though not exclusively used by gay men/ folks who have sex with other AFAB folks, these words are used to indicate whether someone likes to be the penetrating partner (“top”), the penetrated partner (“bottom”) or are down to play both roles (“vers” or “switch”). But what if you’re not down for any of that? Like, what if penetration just isn’t it for you? Enter: “side,” an alternative to the top/bottom/vers trifecta.
Coined by psychotherapist , clinical sexologist and author of , a side is someone (often a gay man) who does not want to engage in penetrative sex. “They enjoy outercourse, not intercourse,” Kort tells . “Sides prefer to kiss, hug and engage in , , , and , to name just a few of the sexual activities they may enjoy.
” While Kort, a side himself, originally created the term for gay men who don’t enjoy (penetrative) , he notes that folks of all genders and sexual orientations may identify as a side, including straight, cis people who find their primary sexual satisfaction outside of intercourse. Regardless of who you are, what kind of sex you like to have, or who you like to have it with, the concept of being a side—the side ethos, if you will—holds some very important insight worth considering for sex-havers of all kinds. In de-centering penetrative intercourse as the end-all, be-all of what constitutes “real” sex, the side mindset (sideset?) embodies a non-hierarchical, less goal-oriented approach to pleasure in which —which is something can benefit from in bed.
Read on for everything there is to know about what it means to be a side, how it’s done, and why this term is so important—not just for the gay men who identify with it, but for sexuality as a whole. TL;DR: “A side is someone, typically a gay man, who does not enjoy giving or receiving penetrative anal sex as a main form of pleasure or intimacy,” says certified sex therapist Casey Tanner, a sexpert for . “As opposed to people who identify as tops or bottoms to signify their preferred role during anal penetration, those who identify as sides are often communicating that they get the most pleasure from activities like , , , mutual masturbation and more.
” Short answer: Sides may be into literally any sexual activity other than penetrative sex (specifically penetrative , in the traditional gay male context of the term). But what exactly any given side is into may look wildly different from, well, side to side. “While sides are united by their desire not to be boxed in by the expectation for anal sex, their other sexual preferences vary greatly from person to person,” says Tanner.
“Activities that sides might enjoy include oral sex, mutual masturbation, kissing, rubbing, , and/or more verbal forms of sexual intimacy.” Kort notes that while sides are, by definition, not into anal penetration, some may still enjoy other anal activities, such as rimming, or even giving or receiving penetration with fingers or . While the defining characteristic of a side is not being into giving or receiving anal sex, this, like all things sex, is on a spectrum.
According to Kort, some sides may also identify as , meaning they may be interested in topping or bottoming sometimes or under certain circumstances. “For example, a side might feel uninterested in exploring penetration with new partners, but open to incorporating it with someone they’re dating long-term,” explains Tanner. “Comfort with penetration might depend on the location of sex, the emotional connection between partners, or simply how someone is feeling on any given day.
” Tanner also notes that, as with any sexual preference or identity, someone’s relationship to being a side or how they experience or define that identity may shift over time—and that’s totally fine! Remember, labels exist to make people feel seen and included, not to box anyone into or out of any given identity. The term was created for gay men and remains primarily associated with that community, but anyone of any gender or sexuality who doesn’t consider penetrative intercourse part of their sex life may identify with the term. “While the term ‘side’ originated primarily within gay male communities, the identity has also gained traction with others who are most fulfilled by forms of intimacy outside of penetrative sex,” says Tanner.
“In the broader queer community, for example, some find this term helpful for describing specific sexual roles, boundaries, or preferences beyond just sexual orientation.” As our understanding of the many forms sex and sexuality can take continues to grow and change on both personal and societal levels, so do the words we use to talk about it. “Language related to sexuality is constantly evolving, and we will likely continue to see terms that originate in one community be adopted by others in ways that feel aligned for them,” says Tanner.
And this fluidity of language mirrors the fluidity of the identities and experiences it describes. “For many, being a side is about embracing what feels good without feeling pressured to follow a conventional script,” says Tanner. “This pleasure-centered approach to sex lends itself to more connective, relaxed, intimate experiences between partners regardless of the identities of those involved.
” Which is something I think everyone, sides and otherwise, can get on board with. Kayla Kibbe (she/her) is the Associate Sex and Relationships Editor at Cosmopolitan US, where she covers all things sex, love, dating and relationships. She lives in Astoria, Queens and probably won’t stop talking about how great it is if you bring it up.
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