'We tried the Shrek café in Primark and got a ridiculous sugar rush'

There are sometimes situations where you have to contemplate your life choices and ponder on how you got to that particular point in time. And the day that I headed to the counter of a Shrek café in Primark to casually order a ‘Ogre’s Gourmet Grub’ was definitely among them. With the sweet, sweet sounds of Allstar by Smash Mouth blaring out from above me, there is really no mistaking where I am.

The Shrek café is certainly not something you walk into by mistake, and it’s far from subtle - with an aesthetic from the movie (as well as some oddly-matched garish chairs adding a 70s nightclub vibe. But, actually, there is an oddly calming, familiar feeling to the place. There’s an older couple sat by the entrance enjoying a coffee, with the defeated faces of shoppers who have endured the trenches of the Primark aisles, and the maze-like set-up of the queue, all for a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.



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how can they think it's acceptable?' For those who have been living under a swamp rock, the Shrek café is exactly what it sounds like. Located in both the Market Street and Trafford Centre Primark stores, it’s themed around everyone's favourite ogre and follows similar café set-ups inspired by the likes of Stitch , Hello Kitty, and Spongebob . And now it’s Shrek’s turn, because, well, why not.

Marketing is a valuable tool, after all. I'll admit it - the idea of going into Primark for anything, let alone for food is not something that appeals to me whatsoever - especially the one in the city centre. But the idea of eating some Shrek-themed food sadly does have a personal appeal that I can’t quite resist.

The film franchise (well, let’s be honest, it’s really only ever about the first two movies really) is something I grew up on and I still quote the movie on a daily basis - for some still-unknown reason, me and one of my friends have had the word Shrek auto-capitalised on our phones for years now, and it's still something that makes us chuckle. The set-up for the Shrek café will certainly please fans of the movies So, heading to the café with my editor Jenna (as It’s not something that should ever be enjoyed on your own) in the middle of the week, I’m filled with as much trepidation and Primark-fuelled anxiety as I am with excitement to experience the magical realms of Shrek's Swamp and Far Far Away. The outside of the café is decked out brilliantly to replicate the swamp, with ‘beware of the ogre’ signs all out in full force.

Walking in, we instantly suggest it’s as if Far Far Away had opened its own supermarket café, and our expectations remain very firmly low in terms of getting a fulfilling and enjoyable meal out of our visit. On the menu, it’s basically toasted sandwiches, waffles, and drinks, with some Mexican cuisine thrown in for good measure - I’m not sure if it’s a particular reference I've forgotten about or just an easy option to serve up, but maybe Shrek and Donkey are partial to a good taco in-between saving Princesses. The Ogres Have Layers milkshake (centre, £5.

95) actually could have done with a little bit more of a chocolate taste to it There are also sugar-laden milkshakes, bubble teas and drinkable ‘potions’ - which, fair play, is a simple yet genius way of blending the film’s fairy-tale elements into a functioning menu. Everything has a Shrek-themed nature to its name and description, bar the kids lunchbox which is tragically described as just a ‘roll, snack, piece of fruit & drink’ (come on, it could have at least been a magical fruit, or a swamp roll). Particular highlights for Shrek fans will include the Onions Have Layers toasted sandwich (“Onions have layers, ogres have layers, and you get it? We both have layers”), the Not The Gum Drop Buttons shake (“anything but the gum drop buttons!”) and Donkey’s Waffle Strips (“We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!”).

Having pursued the menu and enjoyed the cheeky references, between us we opt for the ‘Swampchos’ nachos, those aforementioned Ogres’ Gourmet Grub waffles, an Ogres Have Layers milkshake, a Happily Ever After potion drink, and a Poison Apple Bubble Tea as my editor is OBSESSED with the damn things. The 'Swampchos' were surprisingly decent - although more green slime wouldn't have gone amiss The order doesn’t take too long to arrive, and, fair play to the members of staff, they remain part of the act throughout. You might imagine that working in a place like a Shrek Café could fill you with embarrassment, but the waiters are joyful, in on the fun and have no problem asking who is having the Swampchos without any sense of ridiculousness about the whole situation.

The Swampchos are the first thing we tuck into. Consisting of tortilla chips, salsa, guacamole and sour cream alongside some green nacho cheese slime which, obviously, is the biggest draw. It’s £6.

95 on the menu, and you can add pulled beef or jackfruit for an extra £1 (we added the beef). Tucking in, it’s surprisingly decent. The nachos are, unlike most places, loaded with a decent portion of guac and sour cream, although it could definitely have done with some more cheese sauce and beef.

It’s not mind-blowing, sure, but it’s serviceable as a nice snack. Not a fan of the chairs, to be honest The green cheese sauce does take a little adjusting to - whilst cheese sauce on nachos is usually warm, it does come as a surprise here considering the sauce looks exactly like those little toy slime pots. But, beyond the novelty of the look, it tastes just like cheese sauce.

The salsa is a bit watery and nothing special, but the beef has a pleasant taste to it and, as far as nachos go, it's good. In-between slabs of the tortilla chips, we tuck into our drinks. Jenna’s Poison Apple bubble tea (£5.

25) consists of an apple tea with cherry boba. It’s not as filled up with little bobas as the ones served across the many venues in town, but it looks the part. However, it’s an instant sugar rush and tastes a little like the cherry sweets in Haribo Tangfastics, but it’s perhaps a bit too sweet for a mid-week palette cleanser.

If you were to give this to a child, you might deeply regret it. Make of that what you will. Meanwhile, my Happily Ever After potion drink (£3.

95) is beautiful. Served in a potion bottle, it’s essentially a blue lemonade but the appeal is the shimmering glitter it's infused with. Giving it a stir in-between sips, it’s literally magical and set to be a crowd-pleaser.

As far as tastes go, it’s perfectly fine but you should buy it on looks alone. The Happily Ever After potion drink (£3.95) is a glitter-infused delight to witness Next up, we delve into the £6.

95 ogre waffles - consisting of a green waffle with chocolate ice cream, green marshmallows, gummy worms, Oreo crumb, pistachio sauce and, if that wasn’t enough, some extra white chocolate sauce. As you can imagine, it’s yet another thick whoosh of sugar to the brain. Definitely one to share and not to combat on your own due to sugar intake, it’s incredibly sweet, but it is tasty.

The green waffle on its own is underwhelming and, dare I say, bland, but together with everything else, it adds a nice consistency to things. The gummy worms, however, take a load of chewing to get through. Saving the Ogres Have Layers milkshake for the last was perhaps not our finest decision - its topped whipped cream has flounced a little since arriving on our table, but it still looks impressive.

It’s a chocolate milkshake with cream, Oreo soil, pistachio sauce and a chocolate brownie for £5.95. Whilst looking good, it is slightly underwhelming.

We compare it to an overly-milky brew, or when, as a kid, you didn’t put enough cocoa powder in your hot chocolate as the chocolate milkshake flavour is a bit too subtle, and could do with being a little more potent - despite the fact there is still a lot going on. The ‘Ogre’s Gourmet Grub’ waffles were a sweet overload The Oreo soil does a lot of the heavy lifting here in terms of adding to the taste, although the pistachio sauce brings a nice nutty flavour to things. Jenna was not too impressed with the chocolate brownie (she’s had better, she says), but I thought it was alright.

In terms of our experience at the Shrek café, it’s certainly style over substance - and there’s plenty of style and thought that has gone into the menu. It’s commendable how everything looks the part and has been designed to be a real crowd-pleaser. I can’t imagine anyone going into the café is expecting a Michelin-star experience so, for a bit of respite in-between stressful clothes shopping, it ticks the right boxes.

There is also the added bonus of getting to hear tracks from the Shrek soundtrack too - although they are jumbled around in-between sad songs from the likes of Ed Sheeran and James Arthur, which sort of brought the jubilant and nostalgic mood down. As I'll tell anyone who'll listen, I personally feel that there is never a suitable time to listen to Ed Sheeran - and the Shrek Café certainly doesn't change my mindset. Our favourite moment was, whilst tucking into our waffles, hearing the song ‘where the bird explodes’ and then realising the track is actually quite a lot longer than what was originally featured in the film.

There was also a time where the warm, comforting smell of gingerbread transcended over to our table - before we realised that could have been as a result of the sad downfall of our beloved Gingy. The Shrek Cafe certainly isn't going to win any food awards, but the creativity and thought behind the menu is on point There’s also Shrek-themed quizzes to take part in whilst you wait for your food (we aced it, naturally), and some activities on the back of the menu too. Shrek himself has also visited the café before, but it appears that we’ve now missed that opportunity.

He'll be visiting Birmingham and Cardiff this weekend, and Edinburgh and Braehead on September 21 and 22, if you happen to be nearby. Like I say, it's surprisingly not as much of a sensory overload as I was expecting, although it is possibly a very different experience during the weekend. There were even people sat near us working at their tables (can you imagine taking a Zoom call from the Shrek café?!) and others chilling out and reading.

The café is set to remain until the beginning of November when it will, inevitably, be turned into another big franchise - perhaps something Christmas themed, like Elf or The Grinch? But, I’ll always remember my time at the Shrek café fondly - Ogres are like onions, and so is this café. There are layers of references to the films, as well as enough layers of sugary treats to leave you with a headache that will last for days..