1 week Ago By The Daily Mash
Wanker doing pull-ups on tube 14th April 2025 A GROUNDBREAKING wanker is doing pull-ups on a London underground train, fellow commuters have disgustedly confirmed. 22-year-old Jack Browne, described by onlookers as ‘a ripped, protein-powered, spiritual void’ began the aggressive lat-and-bicep workout using the overhead bar on the Northern line during morning rush hour. Norman Steele, who had to suffer all five stops of it, said: “Look out, lads.
A tosser’s training for the Olympics. Looks like Britain’s taking gold in being an arsehole in 2028. “What a delightful display of rugged might and potency.
I’m surprised he doesn’t charge us to watch. Oh and he’s counting! Never would have thought he could do that.” Commuter Charlotte Phelps said: “It seems he’s got no idea everyone’s looking, so intense is his eye contact with his own reflection.
Nor any idea we can hear him growl ‘alpha wolf mode’ to push himself through the pain barrier and make me wet. “The men yearn to high-five him and the women are in tears. When we get to Oval, we’ll carry him out on our shoulders, chanting.
Wait, no, in fact nobody will say anything but we’ll all despise him for the rest of our natural lives.” Woman burning most of her workout calories by scrolling 12th April 2025 A WOMAN aiming to get fit at an expensive gym is mainly exercising a single digit on her right hand. During her last visit Charlotte Phelps burnt off an impressive eight calories with a TikTok and Instagram-based workout that involved slouching over machines other gym members were hoping to actually use.
Phelps said: “I only visit the gym every couple of months – meaning each session works out at about 200 quid – so I like to make the most of it and really check my socials thoroughly. “The treadmills are my favourite as you can prop up your phone and walk at a speed which barely raises my heart rate. That way I don’t get sweat in my eyes and miss any important bitchiness in the new series of the Kardashians.
“Each visit starts when I put on my body-sculpting gymwear I spent a fortune on and ends with me posting a photo of my workout from Starbucks with the caption ‘Feel the burn’. That’s as I drink a 400-calorie Cookies and Cream Frappuccino which my body needs to build muscle mass. “One of these days I’ll find out what some of the machines do besides being somewhere to sit.
But for now I’m focusing on the sauna and trying to get off with Alex the personal trainer.” Despite only 14 minutes of Phelps’ most recent two-hour workout being spent doing something that could be considered ‘exercise’, she did burn at least 15 calories from lifting her stupid, oversized Stanley cup..
