1 day Ago By Margarita Holmes, Jeremy Baer
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rapplerAds.displayAd( "mobile-middle-1" );Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer,I came back to the Philippines after working in one of the best research institutes in the United States.
To say I was seduced by the BSP (Balik Scientist Program) in the Philippines would not be an understatement.The financial incentives were good – not outstanding, but enough for my wife, two children, and myself to live comfortably.The major selling point was what I could do for the country.
I am a former UP student, old enough to appreciate what was drummed into my mind as an undergraduate: I must give back to the Philippines, because the Philippines has invested in me as an “iskolar ng bayan.”So I jumped at the chance to “serve.” My wife told me to think it over a thousand times before saying yes.
This was a decision which would affect them and not just me. Perhaps I should have thought it over a thousand and one times instead.The first two years were good.
I woke up energized, truly believing I could contribute my talents and skills to uplift the country. But the honeymoon is over. I am faced with bureaucracy everywhere I turn.
Worse, the bureaucracy is more an excuse for the corruption around. This corruption is endemic to our society.window.
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displayAd( "mobile-middle-2" );This was not what I bargained for when I accepted this “honor.” This is not a letter about politics or policies. This is a letter written by an earnest scientist who believed he could help himself and his family by “giving back,” now finds out it Is impossible under the circumstances he is living in, and now wants to go back to where I truly belong — the United States.
My wife disagrees. She says the children, who had a difficult time adjusting the first year, are now starting to enjoy their classes and she too enjoys not having to work. But I know they will be able to adjust once we go back home to the United States.
– RaulDear Raul,It seems that your email raises two major issues: your attitude to your work and your attitude to your family.The ideal of giving back is of course laudable and altruistic but your actual story raises questions. If the first two years back home went well, what happened to derail this ‘honeymoon’ as you describe it? As for these problems you mention, surely they were known to you beforehand, probably even part of the reason you went abroad in the first place, so why did you not factor them in when deciding if to return?Why are they an issue only now, and not during the honeymoon period, if they are ‘endemic’? And most importantly, doesn’t giving back become even more worthy an objective if you try to surmount the problems, not just give up?As for family, I interpret your letter as saying that you uprooted your wife and children against their will to return to the Philippines and plan to do likewise once more if you return to the US.
You justify this to yourself by anticipating that they will adjust eventually (a consolation prize at best) while you get the big prize of a better working environment.We do not have any insight into your family dynamics but this autocratic and cavalier approach to the happiness and future prospects of your wife and children does not suggest that you actually intend to take their views into account in any real way.It also takes no account of the fact that you insisted on returning home despite the repeated warnings of your wife, a decision you now consider a mistake that you are determined to reverse, again regardless of her views on the subject.
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rapplerAds.displayAd( "mobile-middle-3" );I would think that this is unlikely to encourage her to see your marriage and its future in a positive light, something which you might think about more deeply. Wishing you true discernment,– JAF BaerDear Raul,Thank you very much for your letter.
In the interest of full disclosure, I asked the balik scientists I know about their and their colleagues’ experiences in the BSP (Balik Scientist Program) and also if they knew other BS scientists who had the problems similar to yours.They all said yes; that many BS scientists had similar problems, mainly about how government officials, who were meant to help, were usually the ones that stood in the way so that many of them couldn’t help the way they had hoped to.I am sorry we do not have the space (and extensive knowledge and experience) to suggest ways you can relate to said officials and yes, that is not really our remit.
However, discussing your problems which affect you and your family IS, so I shall limit my discussion not to how the program you signed up for has been a huge disappointment, but on how YOU reacted to it.You seem to be an external, rather than an internal, locus of control kind of guy.Locus of control refers to the extent to which individuals believe they have control over their lives and outcomes.
If you perceive external factors, like the country you live in, determine the outcomes in your life, then in all likelihood you would have an external locus of control. However, if you believe that you are primarily responsible for the events that happen to you, then you would have an internal locus of control.There is no doubt your brain is first-rate.
However, perhaps your underlying external locus of control is one reason you are so quick to make decisions (even life-changing ones) relatively quickly.If you believe it is primarily the country you live in that determines how you can help others, then it would be loads easier to move to another country, then decide to move back to the country you left two years ago, because, well, it no longer gives you the meaning in life you had hoped.If this resonates in any way, I suggest you look for ways to strengthen an as-yet fledgling internal locus, so that you can perhaps learn to view certain things as within your power to change and improve on, provided you work hard enough for it.
This cannot happen all the time, but it may make you more open to see what you can do about a situation, rather than catching a plane, quitting your job, or, indeed, leaving a marriage when “the honeymoon is over.”Your first-rate brain will perhaps help you realize that corruption is not all THAT endemic in the Philippines or, barring that, that you can have more influence with the relevant government institutions you deal with. It might also help encourage you to listen to your wife, treating her like an equal, instead of merely a policewoman who tells you to “stop” when you want to “go.
” Again, not all the time, but when your brain helps you realize that now maybe a good time to do so.Should you decide your brain needs some help (as mine often does), or that we did not explain things sufficiently (very possible in a column with space constraints), please write to us again? All the best, – MG Holmes– Rappler.comPlease send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.
com..
