There are dozens of things you only know if you live in Cornwall

Us Cornish confuse the hell out of visitors (emmets) but know what we’re talking about and how to live the Cornish way, which basically means doing everything dreckly. Here is a list of those very important things that you'll only know if you actually live in our glorious country, county or Duchy. Whatever you call it, Cornwall’s unique and special.

People in England are going to want to visit Cornwall more often following Brexit, so here are 51 things you need to learn before visiting or moving here. Contentious, perhaps, but there are still people in Cornwall who will do a messy protest on your Chelsea Tractor if you dare mention us in the same breath as Devon, Somerset or, heaven forbid, England. We is special because we has our own Celtic identity and as a Duchy can veto Westminster legislation.



So there. We have had minority status in the UK since 2014 and that’s in no small part due to the fact we have our own language. Yes, only 2,000 people may currently speak it but that number is growing all the time as a new generation harnesses Cornwall’s culture, history and identity.

A wodhes'ta kewsel Kernewek? If not, there are a number of classes all around Cornwall now where you can learn. Things are done at our pace; a special Cornish pace which is enough to send a Londoner or Mancunian mad. Yes, it's called dreckly.

Think of it as somewhere between manana and can't be arsed. Yes, we begrudgingly agree is good for tourism but we'll moan constantly about the appalling accents. It's also a commonly-held truth that all Cornishmen are far more handsome than Aidan Turner and his bleddy scythe.

Not grockles ...

that’s Devon. Those incomers who clog our roads and beaches for six weeks of the year but whose cash basically keeps Cornwall going for the rest of the year. We all live within spitting distance of a , it’s always sunny and we welcome incomers.

We’re so happy we pretend that we couldn’t earn double our salaries elsewhere or that we inhabit one of the poorest regions in Europe. “It’s all a question of balance, isn’t it ..

.. just look at that view.

” Special rain that only happens in Cornwall. Light rain that you'll laugh off as you leave the house. Light rain that will soak you to the skin in less than two minutes.

Light rain that's worse than any tropical storm. We invented it to ruin English people's holidays and ensure your windscreen wipers are constantly on the go on our roads, which brings us to ..

.. You've spent hours on the motorway and then get to the .

You think that's bad but wait till you get on our country roads. Your 4x4 wasn't built for this, pard, and woe betide you if you get stuck behind a tractor (or cow). You'll learn proper reversing down here, boy.

It’s true. People outside Cornwall start laughing as soon as we start speaking, so we must be funny, right? Plus we gave birth to Jethro and . Even Dawn French pretends to be Cornish now.

I was just saying to my cousin in bed last night how much that casual racism really annoys me. You will start being accepted as Cornish when you stop pronouncing this charming little harbour as Mouse Hole and start saying it like this: Mowzle. But with a grizzled, slightly aggressive tone.

It's a friendly greeting. Think: how are you, sir? Tuss. You know a true Cornishman by the number of times he uses the word.

It's a slightly ruder way of calling someone an idiot. Actually, far ruder as it's Cornish for an erection ..

. and not the building variety. "Those new steel and glass flats overlooking the sea are beautiful, though we won't be able to afford to live there.

And that new restaurant opened by Jamie Ramsay-Whittingstall will be lovely, though we won't be able to afford to eat there, will we Petroc?" The gentrification of our harbour villages and mining towns is a wonderful thing ...

until we realise that everything uniquely Cornish is wiped away. Forever. They used to vote Lib Dem but then they discovered the in 2017.

Times is changin’. It’s a well-known fact that all Cornish folk surf ..

. even the babies. boy went on to thump the tubs for a little known beat combo called Queen while Mick Fleetwood, who was born in , formed the world’s biggest caners and fairly successful band, Fleetwood Mac.

Cornish Knocker is in fact one of Cornwall's many wonderful beers. It's brewed by Skinner's and is named after the malevolent spirits who were found in our tin mines. Obviously.

We gave the world Peter Lanyon, Terry Frost, Barbara Hepworth, Patrick Heron, Bernard Leach, Ben Nicholson and Sven Berlin. That means Cornwall invented modern art. I’m sure Duchamp, Picasso, Dali and all those others would agree.

Do not feed them. They will bite off your head. Well, maybe just nick your ice cream.

But we will laugh at you if you wear Crocs. As with Mousehole, You will start being accepted as Cornish when you stop pronouncing this charming little harbour as Foe-ee and start saying it like this: Foy. But with a grizzled, slightly aggressive tone.

Celluloid’s greatest shark hunter Quint was played by Robert Shaw who attended Truro School. The Cornish are immediately suspicious if you wear a wetsuit for a swim in the sea ..

. at any time of the year. Tribute, Proper Job, Korev, Betty Stoggs, Doombar, Cornish Knocker .

.. I could go on and I haven’t even mentioned all those amazing craft beers.

It’s official – Tarquin’s gin (produced by the none-more-Cornish-sounding Tarquin Leadbetter) won best gin at the Oscars of the spirit world in San Francisco earlier this year. Chuck in Curio, Trevethan, Elemental, Pocketful of Stones and lots more and us Cornish definitely know how to get pis ..

. tons moving on the gin distillery. If it wasn't for Richard Trevithick and his steam engine the rest of the world wouldn't have trains and cars.

However, Cornish trains are so old that you expect Richard Trevithick himself to walk up the carriage and stamp your ticket. It's another of our cute phrases meaning that's good, thanks, nice one ..

. basically anything positive. None of your fancy city ways down here, me 'andsome.

We like to be tucked up nice and early. Our nightlife finishes at night not silly o'clock the next day. By dancing around strange stones, naked, until dawn.

Or by going to The Masked Ball. Christ, there’s hell-up down there. Forget McDonalds and KFC, we've been eating pasties on the run for centuries.

If making a pasty, always crimp it on the side. Never on top. That is the way of the devil .

.. otherwise known as Gregg's.

Forget your La Gavroche and Noma, we have Rick Stein, and Paul Ainsworth in Cornwall as well as literally hundreds of superb restaurants, pubs, burger joints, street food vans and cafes. We love our independent shops, don’t we? We don’t want H&M, Nando’s and John Lewis, do we? Do we?! Stop pronouncing the North Cornwall village as if you're in Knightsbridge. It's not De-lar-b'lay.

Those of us living in Cornwall know it's the far more down-to-earth Deller-bowl. See also Doublebois. Double-boys, innun, not dooble-bwa.

We're not asking how your Religious lessons went and we don't have a peculiar obsession with the letters R and E. We just want to make sure you're okay in our usual caring Cornish manner, as in "alright, are 'ee?" Basically every type of popular music genre that has come in his wake is directly linked to the influence of Lanner's . That he also records as The Tuss only endears him more to the Cornish.

Apart from a bout of wrasslin’ and goat-baiting we are about the only “county” in the country without a nationally-renowned team. I’m only joking, fans of and FC. Nothing to do with the Cornish thinking the English smell (though they probably do).

A "good old stank" is a fair old walk. It's the age old argument. Actually, there's no argument – it's the gospel.

When having a cream tea – which is the law – jam first, cream last. Simple as. When you see that clump of trees at Broadwoodwidger, you know you're almost back in Mother Kernow.

Though you were a bit stupid to leave in the first place. If a Cornishman tells an Englishman he's teasy it's time for that Englishman to back off. Short for "teasy as an adder", it means we're rather riled because you've bought the last pasty in Rowe's, own a second home next door or we're stuck behind you on the A30.

How else do you explain the constant use of the word "pard"? If you live in Cornwall, it's the law. Hands up who misses the Cornwall Coliseum? It's also the law to despise living in Cornwall from the age of roughly 15 to ..

. 34. The mantra "nothing ever happens in Cornwall" is as old as Jethro's jokes.

Fortunately, when you reach 35 you suddenly realise it's the greatest place on the planet. Been Scillies, 'ave ee? Is neither racist nor sexual. Well, we don’t have superfast broadband in our village, do we? And, anyway, what is that there interweb?.