2 weeks Ago By [email protected] (Lisa Salmon, PA, Kali Lindsay)
It’s hard enough for grown-ups to cope with the death of a loved one. But for children who may not understand what death is, it can be frightening and utterly bewildering. And that’s where their remaining family comes in.
It’s their job to explain what’s happened to children – and while that’s understandably a very daunting task, there’s no better time to learn how to do it than in National Grief Awareness Week (December 2-8). Whatever the child’s age, and whoever’s died, the most important thing is honesty, stresses child and adolescent psychotherapist Jane Elfer. “We always say be honest, knowing the main thing parents usually want to do is protect the child from the pain they’re feeling,” she says.
“But if you don’t tell the truth, it really does impact on the trust the child will have with you, and they will feel frightened in all sorts of ways, devastated, and angry that mummy or daddy or whoever it is that they loved has died. “If you start from a place of honesty, those things can be managed, and there are very good organisations that will help you.” However Elfer, a spokesperson for the Association of Child Psychotherapists (ACP) acknowledges that being honest with kids about their loved one’s death is extremely hard for adults.
“It’s the most painful thing for adults to do with little children, because the child will be distraught,” she says. They may ask where the person that’s died has gone, or say they hate them for leaving them, and Elfer advises: “Just say of course we’re angry they died, but they tried their best to be well, and the doctors hadn’t got the right medicine to make them better.” Of course, the way to help a grieving child will differ depending on their age, and Elfer outlines some of the key things to remember for each age group.
.. Babies You’d think the loss of a close relative, particularly the mother, wouldn’t register with babies until they were much older, but Elfer says it’s still worth talking to them about what’s happened.
“I do always consider even babies, which sounds crazy, but if a mother dies at birth, for example, talk to the baby about her, in a voice that will continue throughout that child’s life, like daddy if he’s been looking after the baby. “It becomes the standing point, that we can talk about mummy, the lady that I knew in the womb, but that I never got to meet, but who loved me and gave me life. I think that’s a very lovely way to allow a child to know that mummy died, but that she loved her baby.
” Young children It’s tempting to use words and phrases like ‘lost’ or ‘gone to sleep’ when talking to young children about someone that’s died, but Elfer stresses this should be avoided. She advises: “Be plain, but within the capability of the child, using words the child will understand, not like going to sleep, or we’ve lost them. Words like that are really muddly for a child, because if you say you’ve lost someone they’ll think ‘Why don’t we get the police to go and find them?’.
“And if you say gone to sleep, your child will really have problems going to sleep themselves, or letting their mummy or daddy go sleep. So being absolutely plain, it isn’t going to sleep, it’s dying, when your body can’t breathe any more. And you may go into a little bit more detail, but in an age-appropriate approach.
” Elfer says telling children a loved one has ‘gone to heaven’ is “a tricky one”, explaining: “It may be very helpful for families who’ve got faith to say that and to go to church and hold on to it. “It depends on the family, and even if they haven’t got faith they may want to use ‘they’ve gone to heaven’, and ‘mummy’s watching you’, as long as the child knows mummy isn’t sitting around the corner watching them, and can really understand that it’s a place where nobody goes unless they’ve died.” She says if families are unsure, the usual go-to is to say where the loved one’s body is now, but “they live in our hearts, so their presence is around and it’s okay to speak about them.
” She says another issue with young children after a death is that it may spark their own worries. “Be prepared that the child will fear they might die,” she warns. Children may be frightened they’ll get the illness that caused their loved one’s death, and Elfer says remaining family need to reassure them they won’t get it that it was mainly a grown-up illness, and the child will be fine.
Older children and teenagers Elfer stresses honesty is the best policy with this age group, with perhaps more detail about the death for older children. “You might not get the same detailed questions that you might from an older adolescent, but at eight or nine, children do know about death, they know people die and don’t come back. “Each child is so different, so speak to them in the way you know might be helpful.
” Older children may want to talk more, she says, and when they get to around 15, for example, the death of a parent may prompt questions like ‘Why isn’t dad here to take me to football like everybody else’s dad?’. And remaining family should be prepared for unusual reactions and behaviour changes in adolescents after a loved one dies, she warns. “Be prepared that they’ll say they’ve got to go out now, right in the middle of you telling them something quite tricky, or trying to articulate something difficult,” she says.
“If possible, don’t get angry about that. It’s too much for them – they really are struggling to regulate themselves.” A family death may make an adolescent very reluctant to go out or take more responsibility, or it may make them think it doesn’t matter and that nobody really cares, she says.
“At that critical age where your whole body and mind is developing, it can really make such a difference on how you go forward.” But overall, for those looking after children and young people following a family death, she advises: “Frankness, truth, and honesty are what’s needed. You can cry.
You can get cross and shout, it’s not going to ruin everything. And you can come back and say you find it so hard, but you shouldn’t have shouted. Just be straightforward about your own loss, your own grief.
” She points out that whatever the age of the child, it’s crucial the remaining family get as much support as possible. Bereavement help organisations include Winston’s Wish, Child Bereavement UK (helpline 0800 028 8840), Grief Encounter (0800 802 0111), Good Grief Trust and Cruse (0808 808 1677). In addition, Elfer says there are many books which can help children and young people understand death in the family, such as A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness, and Long Way Down by Jason Reynolds.
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