4 days Ago By Tom Nicholson
I had a big party for my 60th birthday this weekend, mostly because I’m just happy to be alive after my second heart attack earlier this year . As I recovered, I vowed that I would not spend the rest of my later life mostly seeing the people I love at funerals. So, I spent three months planning this shindig.
Putting a party together can get stressful. But in those three months, I’ve realised just how stressful some people find being invited to parties too. It can affect the people you least expect.
At least one friend had extreme anxiety ahead of my own party. She wanted to come, but had a fear of being scrutinised and judged. A glamorous, intelligent, successful woman, she recognises how ostensibly daft such a fear is, but it persists.
Some of us have a social anxiety or disorder about parties: a long-term, overwhelming fear of social situations. It’s easy to dismiss, but real for many: indeed, NICE guidance says that social anxiety is the third-most common psychiatric disorder . Entering the annual party season, let’s spare a thought for those stricken by such anxiety.
But before you RSVP “no” to that invite, know that there is a way through it. As a teacher I see how social anxiety manifests in some children, to whom we are – thankfully – more supportive. It presents as crying, getting angry, avoiding interactions and retreating into themselves without asking for help.
It is relatively common – and I am avoiding the word “normal” deliberately. It is healed most commonly by more consistent exposure to those same social situations: in most children’s case, the socialising aspect of the daily activity of going to school and interacting with other children. It doesn’t work for everyone, of course.
Treatments ranging from breathing routines through to cognitive behavioural therapy can make a genuine difference. We all know adults who present with a range of different symptoms; struggling with meeting strangers, starting a conversation and – for a growing number of younger people – speaking on the phone. Read Next How I staved off an existential crisis about turning 60 That was me once, particularly around women I found vaguely attractive.
I would blush, get clammy, think I was appearing ridiculous and freak out in my head. I would regularly get off the bus a stop early because I could not cope among strangers. I was enduring what are now known as panic attacks.
I came to understand that it was as a result of being overprotected – for all the right reasons – by my caring mother. Having been twice widowed, she was scared to lose someone else in her life whom she loved, and put a fear of others into me. Yet as overwhelming as this anxiety was, I’ve learned to manage it.
Mostly, I did so through consistent professional exposure to such social situations where I was one stranger among many, as a journalist, and partly through deliberately talking to strangers at events. As a host, I know a little understanding can really help. My glamorous, anxious friend and I went through my guest list together to help her know who she might meet, and work out the connections that enable social interactions to thrive.
And it worked. Watching her socialise happily at my event, we shared a little knowing wink. She had a great time, and even got a little teary about it.
I’m not naïve. We do judge others socially. Subconsciously, we size up those we meet quickly: commuters on a train, friends of friends, or strangers at a party.
It would be wonderful if, like Tennessee Williams’s Blanche DuBois, we could “always depend on the kindness of strangers”, but as she found out, we can’t. The key then is, to use one of the phrases du jour: be kind. Check in with anxious friends.
A few generous-spirited words at a first meeting go a long way. To anyone dreading the holiday party season, know that you are not alone, and that it nearly always turns out better than you think it will . Your loved ones want to help you have a good time.
So be open with them, put your gladrags on and dance as if no one is watching..
