7 hours Ago By Joe Reid
We’re all just waiting for the next Karla Sofía Gascón bomb to drop. After a slew of her racist tweets surfaced this week, no one was safe: Muslims, Black Lives Matter, the Oscars themselves. But did Gascón go so far as to preemptively slam her Emilia Pérez co-star Selena Gomez? One screenshot of an alleged Karla tweet was shared on X from (allegedly) 2022, quoting a tweet about Ms.
Gomez and Hailey Bieber, the current wife of Selena’s ex, Justin Bieber, in which Karla (allegedly) says in the (alleged) English translation, “She’s a rich rat who plays the poor bastard whenever she can and will never stop bothering her ex-boyfriend and his wife.” Aside from cementing Gascón’s status as the Spanish Donald Trump (Islamaphobic as hell, petty and opinionated when it comes to celebrity breakups ), this tweet, were it real, would really embarrass Selena Gomez and drag her into a news cycle I can’t imagine anyone wants a part of. But it seems pretty fake, right? If Gascón’s lawyer’s (alleged!) cease and desist is to be believed, anyway.
But faked by whom is the next logical question. Up until Gomez was not nominated for an Oscar for her Emilia Pérez performance, her fans (the formidable Selenators) were waging a high-octane war with the Arianators, the fearsome stan army of Ariana Grande. A war that mostly involved bitchy social-media posts but in at least one case concerned a possible false-flag operation where an alleged Ariana stan emailed a Critics Choice voter to try to buy his vote in Ms.
Grande’s favor, only for accusations to then rebound that it was a Selenator who sent the email to make Ariana look bad and damage her Oscar campaign. In a climate this insane and this suddenly invested in Oscar-race politics , why wouldn’t someone from either camp fake a Karla Sofía Gascón tweet that makes Selena look either bad or victimized? But we’re not here to solve the Case of the Karla Sofía Gascón Mean Tweet About Selena. The mere fact that it seems plausible that members of either of these fan communities faked such a thing is only the latest proof that reality television needs to capitalize on the stan armies for the good of us all.
Obviously, the first suggestion at this moment is to cast a Selenator or Arianator (or one of each!) on The Traitors . These demented fans would not only go after each other with a vengeance, but they’d use creativity and a complete lack of a moral infrastructure to throw suspicion on their fellow cast members in any way possible. But this idea is thinking too small — and besides, it would be cruel to unleash any of these stans onto unsuspecting Survivor alums and Real Housewives.
The next logical step is to do an ALL STAN ARMY season of The Traitors , with 20 or so players each representing a different stan sector. Bring in the Barbs, the Little Monsters, the Lambs, the highest-ranking officer in Rihanna Navy. Make the Swiftie representative and the Beyhive spokesperson work together as Traitors! Treat the token Belieber like the current Traitors cast is treating Tom Sandoval ! The average not-very-online person can’t know the vehemence with which these adherents to their chosen flavor of pop stardom will defend their little plot of land.
It’s nearly impossible to fathom the terrifying speed with which they can find evidence to incriminate their enemies. America needs to bear witness. That said, are we limiting ourselves with Traitors: Stan Armies ? The Scottish Highlands are no place for pop-stan wars.
For one thing, if a Barb, having been stoked into a rage by the competition, ever broke containment and made it to the rest of Great Britain, you’d have a 28 Days Later situation on your hands. Which leaves us with the only worthwhile solution: Stan Army Island . Think about it: It’s essentially quarantine for society’s most demented minds.
You disable Wi-Fi and force them to compete against one another. A race into the jungle to dig up buried receipts. A challenge to take current-event headlines and connect them to your favored pop star, judged by both speed and creativity.
Start a smear campaign and get it successfully pinned to another contestant. Speed doxing. This would not only make for unhinged television, but you’d give the actual pop artists a break from their mentions for a few weeks.
Maybe Ariana and Selena wouldn’t have to make a big show of not hating each other at every luncheon in SoCal if their scariest fans were on an island in Micronesia trying to sabotage a KatyCat. ..
. Unless. What if by competing on Stan Army Island (host TBD, but we’re circling either Pete Davidson or Kim Zolciak), the stans get stronger? Iron sharpens iron.
What if collaborating with and competing against the best of the best in the field of unwellness makes them come back from the island better, faster, smarter? More creative? Less tethered to traditional ethics? Perhaps we’d better not..
