1 week Ago
APRIL 9 — I have a deficit with my supermarket.They aren’t buying as much from me as I’m buying from them. Outrageous, isn’t it? Week after week, I push my creaky trolley through their aggressively air-conditioned aisles, loyally injecting my hard-earned ringgit into their empire of overpriced goods.
I import cartons of sad-looking cherry tomatoes, kangkung that costs more than common sense, and stale bread with a French name slapped on it for prestige. And what do they buy from me? Nothing. Not a single sen of my goodwill, not even my generous supply of frustration.
My trade balance with the supermarket? Catastrophic. A deficit so huge it belongs in an economics textbook under “how not to run a country”.So, inspired by the world’s most famous tariff enthusiast — yes, Mr.
Donald J. Trump himself — I’ve decided to retaliate. If they won’t buy from me, I’ll make them pay.
I’m slapping tariffs on everything.From now on, every polite nod to the cashier comes with a 100 per cent surcharge. Every awkward laugh when the self-checkout machine yells at me? Taxed heavily.
My loyalty card points? Frozen like their overpriced frozen peas. If they don’t start buying emotional stock from me, I’m embargoing my goodwill entirely.But I’m not stopping there.
I’m blocking the snack aisle like a hostile border crossing. “Buy 1 Free 1” deals? I see through that racket. Those are just sneaky trade traps designed to offload stale kerepek at the customer’s expense.
Self-checkout? Hostile territory. I will not perform unpaid labour while the scanner screams tariff declarations at me.Of course, I expect retaliation.
Maybe they’ll blacklist me from the express lane, freeze my loyalty points, or even slap a surcharge on my reusable bag. But I am ready. I’ve read the Art of the Deal.
I know that mutually assured destruction isn’t an accident — it’s the whole strategy.Because here’s the truth: they need me more than I need them. Without me, who props up their bakery section with last-minute impulse buys of croissants? Who clears out their snack shelves at midnight when everyone else is asleep? Without me, they are just a warehouse of unsold frozen peas and unmet sales targets.
Trump sees international trade like I see my supermarket receipts — a depressing list of how much I’ve spent, and how little they’ve spent back on me. — Reuters pic So let me declare my one founding principle — my Article 1, my Mamak-table manifesto of consumer revolt:The supermarket shall immediately recognise the Customer as the undisputed economic superpower in this relationship, without whom their aisles are nothing but overpriced graveyards of unmet sales targets and unsold frozen peas.Victory is inevitable.
Even if I lose, I’m taking them down with me.Just like the big boys do.And speaking of big boys, let’s not pretend this is just about groceries.
No — this is exactly the playbook Trump is following with the rest of the world.Trump sees international trade like I see my supermarket receipts — a depressing list of how much I’ve spent, and how little they’ve spent back on me. He stares at America’s trade deficit with China or Europe or Africa and goes full tantrum mode.
“They’re selling more to us than we’re selling to them? Tariff them!” Never mind context. Never mind reality.Here’s where it gets ridiculous: imagine you’re buying diamonds from a small African country.
You’re draining their resources, exploiting their labour. And then — insult to injury — you complain that they’re not buying the same amount back from you? You want to slap tariffs on them? Discounted tariff my a**.What do you expect them to buy? Fifty billion dollars of American-made leaf blowers? Please.
They’re tiny economies. They don’t have the capacity to absorb your surplus lawn mowers and corn syrup. You’re treating them like they’re the same size as you, while emptying their mines and still asking for a receipt.
Trump’s logic is so juvenile it’s dangerous. He treats trade like a schoolyard scorecard. Export more, import less, “win”.
But the global economy isn’t a petty tally sheet at a kedai runcit. Trade isn’t always balanced. It can’t be.
And not every partner in the deal has the size or the appetite to match you dollar for dollar.Yet Trump barrels on, convinced that if he throws enough tariffs at the wall, something will stick. Maybe he believes noise equals progress.
Maybe he thinks chaos is a strategy. Or maybe — just maybe — he truly believes he has more hours in the day than the rest of us. Like some secret presidential time machine buried beneath Mar-a-Lago, giving him infinite hours to tariff the planet into submission.
But in the real world, even Trump has to settle his tab eventually.And let me tell you: at the end of all this, there’s no “Buy 1 Free 1” special on damage control.* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication and does not necessarily represent the views of Malay Mail.
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