Some unlikely predictions for this year

Weel ah ne’er – that’s ‘well I never’ for Sassenach’s like you (probably) and me (since I moved to England aged 13⁄4) – Rabbie Burns is being dropped from the curriculum in Scotland. Or at least being slowly eased out like an embarrassing uncle at a wedding. Is it to make room for Nicola Sturgeon’s swansong – Mah Wey? – published in August? I wouldn’t be surprised now if Holyrood outlawed tartan, banned Gaelic, disowned haggis and begged to be renamed North Britain.

Why am I not surprised? Did anyone guess Starmer would win 411 seats? Hands-up who thought Donald Trump would win the US presidential election? I thought so. Who thought Rishi would call an election in July? No one I know. Or that Beniffer 2.

0 would divorce? Or even more shocking that Cardi B and offset would split. We Conservatives are on the pulse, innit? In this topsy-turvy world, is it any surprise Keir Starmer has sofa surfed (I’m joking) across more countries since becoming la grand fromage than I’ve had neeps and tatties. I’ve 800 words to write so forgive me if I list them all: Azerbaijan, Belgium, Brazil, Cyprus, Estonia, France – three times, Germany – three times too to maintain the balance of power, Hungary, Ireland, Italy, Norway, Poland, Samoa, Saudi Arabia, Ukraine, the US and the United Arab Emirates.

Thanks, Keir, for that free paragraph. And yes, I’m envious. Last year, the furthest Mrs M and I got was Medway.

That’s nothing to write home about. But I think I’ve found this year’s go-to spot. Beautiful sandy beaches, palm trees, abundant coconuts, coral reefs and fish.

That might sound like Eastbourne, but you’ve guessed it – the Chagos Islands. And what’s more, along with complimentary shower gel, slippers and bathrobes, hotels throw in an added advantage – Keir Starmer won’t pop up. I wish he’d give Brighton away.

That sounds like a petition worth starting. Do you know Chagos is an archipelago of 60 islands? From Chagas – Portuguese for Holy Wounds. I doubt we’d name it that these days.

But since 1815, we’ve thoroughly Anglicised the place. How could anyone give away atolls with names such as Nelson Island, Victory Bank, Danger Island, and Blenheim Reef? It takes you back to stories of your childhood like Treasure Island and Swallows and Amazons. Is Gibraltar next? The Isle of Wight? Sheppey? I’ve been anxious to get away for other reasons.

Not from the Trump presidency. There’ll be no hiding from that. No – it was the recent snowfall that nearly pushed me over the edge.

I left Ukraine to get away from all that sludge. Snow’s pretty when it first falls and covers the streets in white, but the only ice I want to see is in my glass of coke. Where were the gritters? The weather forecast I remember seeing said three degrees and rain – it would have been worth a punt at Ladbrokes for snow to fall.

The council – more to the point me – could have been quids in. I kid you not, but there were streets in Hollingbury without a bus service for days. How would we cope with real snow? 2024 – and 2025 so far – showed us just how useless we are at getting things right, even if we’re being run over by a snow plough at the time.

But wouldn’t life be dull if we did? Well, it’s still January. It’s a tapsalteerie – that’s Scots – world. Let’s make some predictions with no chance of coming true.

Brighton – not Hove, unless Starmer falls out with natty Peter Kyle – will be devolved to Mauritius. Trump will buy TikTok and rename is TrumpTok. Keep an eye out for gen zedders falling off that rollercoaster.

Greenland will become the 51st state of America – complete with Trump ice rink. Try building a wall around Greenland. Denmark will become the 52nd.

Unless we beat them to it. Dave The Laminator will describe Trump as a man with “incredible grace, generosity..

.a good host, very funny, very friendly.” Wait a minute, he already has.

At this rate, we definitely will become the 52nd state. The Government will close all schools – it’s called levelling down. Aren’t parents, I mean children, already doing their homework using ChatGPT? Brighton & Hove City Council will move into the i360 – it would provide a better mobile signal than Hove Town Hall, which could then be turned into chic designer flats.

Not affordable ones – I’m not stupid. Nigel Farage will form a new party – the Nigel Farage party. Marks & Spencer will welcome its first buyer under the age of 50.

So, raise a dram to the haggis – before they’re added to the red list. Oidhche Bhlas Burns! That’s Happy Burns Night, in Gaelic. Just don’t ask me how to say it.

Alistair McNair is Leader of the Conservatives on Brighton & Hove City Council..