2 weeks Ago
We are cruising deeper into spring, the season of new beginnings. It is a great time to assess your relationship with your child. In making that assessment, you get to check out your approach as well as issues that may be recurring and calling out for a change in course.
You set the tone. If things are not as you would like them to be, you can launch a new beginning. Spring can then herald in a season of greater closeness, cooperation and fun.
Assessment means to take a measurement. To openly and honestly look at your relationship requires vulnerability. That may initially feel scary, and the payoff is clarity and confidence.
To make your assessment, pause for a few minutes and first consider what is working in your relationship. Does your child come to you if they have an issue? Do they feel comfortable expressing their feelings and preferences? Do they speak to you respectfully? Do they ask you for help when they need it? What other areas show up for you as running smoothly and working well? Write down all the things you notice. Next, consider the biggest challenge you are facing with your child.
Is it pushback from your tween, power struggles every morning when getting ready for school or around doing homework, or a young one not wanting to leave a party, a friend’s house or the park? Is your teenager experiencing anxiety, bullying or a breakup? Do you have multiple children who fight and bicker? Write down your biggest challenge. Now comes a major decision: Is the biggest challenge with your child their problem to solve (possibly with your support), or is it a place requiring you to provide discipline? If your child brings up the issue, it is most likely their problem to solve. Conversely, if you are bringing it up, it is probably a place where you provide discipline.
For instance, if your teenager mentions how anxious they feel at school or how upset they are about a breakup, your job is to assist as they resolve the problem. You are there to listen, validate and encourage. “Encourage” does not mean to “happy up.
” It means to ask how they would like to handle things and to offer potential options without choosing the option for them. Avoid minimizing, such as saying, “Oh, that is nothing. Here is what happened to me.
” Please note, if your child is experiencing anxiety that is disrupting their life and relationships, consider finding a therapist whose specialty is working with young people and anxiety. Now for the issues that are your responsibility to resolve. If you are worried about your child, that is for you to handle.
The worry belongs to you. It can be an indicator to seek assistance for yourself. Worry does not give you permission to yell at your child for “making you worry,” to guilt them into doing something differently or to punish them.
Worry just keeps you grinding without taking action, setting a boundary or letting go. If you are experiencing resistance from your child — they say “no” to your requests, don’t follow through with their responsibilities, speak to you disrespectfully, or refuse to leave when it is time to go — this is a place where you provide discipline. Discipline means that you teach or guide.
It does not mean that you punish. Your child saying “no” can be the beginning of a conversation. It doesn’t have to mean the start of an argument or power struggle.
Your child speaking to you disrespectfully can be a discussion of what respect means, sounds like and looks like. It can also mean you setting a boundary. A child not doing their homework can prompt an enriching inquiry into how they would like their grades to look and what may be getting in their way.
It can be the first step into greater responsibility. A child refusing to leave a party may need a countdown to departure. By approaching resistance with curiosity and a desire for greater understanding, your life will be more peaceful, you will be much more influential and your child will be more inspired to listen.
Approaching resistance with pressure — force, punishment, insistence on it being a certain way — creates even more resistance. If you need assistance with making your assessment or coming up with a new way to approach your biggest challenge, please get in touch. Keeping your list of all the things that are working in mind as you shift your approach can be encouraging, too.
May spring motivate you to refresh your relationship with your child. Exploring new ways to handle challenges can make life smoother, deepen your trust and inspire greater cooperation..
