6 days Ago By BuzzFeed
"Delusions: For a solid two months, I thought my friend had a cat named Leroy, and it wasn't until I asked her about it that she told me that she had never had a cat and was actually allergic. I was also convinced for a month that I didn't have a uterus. It's weird, and I don't understand it.
I'm constantly second-guessing myself, so every moment is FUN." —Anonymous "I don't want them to change because I'm so close to figuring out their next move, and I AM going to beat them to it this time. I'd kill them if I could, but what if I'm wrong and they're not trying to kill me but are just disappointed in my life choices? What if everyone is tired of having to help me out of sticky situations? Maybe it's just because we can't allow any more failures here.
Why snipe me? Why not just drive by and kill me and get done with it? Why do they insist on toying with me first? This is what's pissing me off. I'll miss them, though, and I know they'll miss me too. There you go.
There's my day-to-day life. It's getting easier to deal with, and the thoughts are fading, but the voice in my head is NOT mine. I don't speak like that or think like that.
" —Daniel M. "I also see human bodies with heads that tower over houses and stare at me from a distance. I see bodies hanging from doorways.
I see ceiling fans spinning on the grass. I see black hands coming out of faucets, drains, mirrors, and walls. I hear a 'robot voice' that keeps me up at night, saying things like, 'My programming tells me you love me! You can't leave me, you are mine, you can't leave me, YOU ARE MINE,' and things in that context.
But my main, most important hallucination is Jack. He is a tall, well-kept man with blondish-white hair, a top hat, and an orange suit. He was my very first hallucination.
He was evil; he was my worst nightmare and more. After these six years, he has taken the form of my friends, lovers, and family. It's so hard to look at him.
But he also is always there when I have panic attacks or when I'm anxious, paranoid, or worrying; he makes sure I am safe. I refuse to talk back to my voices. I don't want to start falling into their shit.
Schizophrenia SUCKS." —Cyenna M. "The delusions aren't always the same, but the same one can persist for long periods, making it hard to trust anyone.
You don't really notice what's going on or how bad it's gotten until it has a massive impact on your life. It runs in the family, so after a certain point, my friends and family started assuming that's what it was. I was able to start treatment and get help a lot earlier than most people.
It was about a year before I got treated for small accounts of increasing paranoia. Eventually, you're convinced you're speaking to the internet, constantly being watched, can hear people's thoughts, speaking with God, etc." —Trent A.
"When I was finally taken to the hospital, I believed the doctors would recognize my status and fly me to the Pope so we could plan world peace. You're totally inside the realm of your mind. Reality ceases to exist.
Whatever you think becomes a reality. Some other people with schizophrenia experience the opposite; they hear violent voices and are convinced they are being followed. Think of nightmares.
When you wake up, you're still in it. I no longer carry the delusion that I'm Buddha, but once in a while, I think about it when I'm down. I believe having grandiose delusions is a defense mechanism against low self-esteem for people prone to schizophrenia.
Medication helps. I can no longer feel the highs that come with my grandiose beliefs. It's a blessing.
I've done many foolish things in my schizophrenic state." —Anonymous "Later, I couldn't sleep in my room and was taken to the hospital, and they strapped me down and tranquilized me with a shot. I couldn't sleep in my room in the hospital because I was afraid of the window, so they tranquilized me with another shot.
I was better after that. A year later, I thought aliens or spirits were pursuing me, and I still feel that way after taking medication. I don't know.
I don't feel smart — like my use of words isn't advanced. I've taken IQ tests and scored high on them, but I don't know. I feel less mature (I'm 33) and worry that I'll be boring, like those women who dress conservatively on a Sears poster.
I don't think I'll be having any kids. I don't even have a partner yet." —AK A.
—Ashish K. " ideas have managed to get on my nerves more than I have liked. I tend to be vulnerable to magical thinking.
There are times when I suddenly 'feel' like someone close to me is dead or in danger. I can't calm down until I have contacted them to ensure they're all right. Sometimes, I've also had some premonitions or felt like I have other supernatural powers.
Even if I know it is not real, it feels real. It has become easier to ignore such things every time they fail to come true. It also helped that I stopped being religious.
What's still left are the negative symptoms. My thinking is often chaotic. It sometimes shows on the outside as incoherent speech or, more usually, a surprising ability to derail conversations by wild associations.
I wonder if it also accounts for my ability to learn things faster than most (though it is much harder to explain things to others later). Associations that are self-evident to me usually are not so to others. Also, there is a loss of motivation, so I am a miserable loser, and I'm not doing anything about it (sarcasm).
" —Anonymous "I asked him if we were alone in the universe, and he said yes, but we'd let everybody think the contrary. My life was suddenly more exciting (as you can imagine), but I asked him if I could also live the life of and Superman, and he told me, laughing, 'Of course. Everything you want.
' Finally, I asked him if he existed, and he said yes, no, yes, no...
yes. And then I fell asleep. The day after, I was convinced that I could communicate via telepathy.
And my parents had me hospitalized. Another time, I walked in the woods at night, amazed by the beauty of the lake, the trees, and the sound of the wind. I got rid of my shoes and put my feet in the mud.
Then, I saw a rabbit and ran after him, convinced I was in some kind of world. Then I sat on a bench, and a hedgehog came towards me, and I touched it. Then I went back home with my filthy shoes.
Another time, I left the house convinced that I was a spy for Google, so I threw away all my credit cards and left with only my Android phone, aiming for their headquarters in Paris. During my walk, I changed my mind when Google Maps showed me a map of the UK. My attention went to some city in Scotland.
I remembered a PhD offer about optogenetics tools (I was recently awarded a master of engineering degree) that I had seen on the web a few days earlier. So, I decided to follow the highway. Then, heavy rain began to fall, and I had this urge to moonwalk until I reached my goal.
I've never moonwalked that well. Later, some policemen found me on the side of the road and began asking me questions, but I wouldn't answer because I was convinced I was John Doe, the hero of a TV series, so I wasn't supposed to remember who I was. They didn't take very long before sending me to a hospital.
I have a few more of these anecdotes, but I would never share most of them because they are too humiliating. It's a lot less funny. It's pretty simple, actually: I lose all motivation.
Imagine having to shower and feeling as if you have to climb Mount Everest or learn the Bible by heart. That's what it feels like. I'm currently experiencing this phase.
It's been months since I last wanted to see friends, learn things, and find a job. My life is empty; I do nothing, and I just hope that my brain will find its balance one day. I found the motivation to write this because I think society is very rude to people suffering from psychiatric issues.
We aren't all violent psychopaths. It's a small minority. I'm not lazy, either.
I have a disease. And no, unfortunately, drugs aren't the quick fix everybody thinks they are." —Anonymous "This was not always the case.
When I was younger and had no idea what was going on, I lived in a constant state of terror. The voices and delusions were overwhelming. There were always conspiracies going on.
I could trust no one. I would run away to hide for days at a time. I was a complete burden to my family.
Now, most people don't have any idea that I have a mental illness. I live like everyone else does: I cook, clean, wash laundry, go grocery shopping, stress about bills, etc. I volunteer in my community in a group effort to change the homeless situation here.
I'm happy and prosperous. Living with schizophrenia is not that much different than unlabeled people's everyday lives. I went to work in 2006 in a group home, as I mentioned above.
I was a case manager for 22 adults labeled with schizophrenia. Being around those beautiful souls was one of the best experiences of my life. They were in a group home situation because their schizophrenia was very severe, and they were unresponsive to medications.
Each one suffered from a combination of symptoms and behaviors unique to each individual. Most were unpredictable in their behavior day to day. Some good days, some bad.
At first, it was hard to communicate with them. They did not know or trust me, so they would not open up and share. Eventually, I was able to connect with every one of them.
One thing they all had in common was a higher-than-average intelligence. One of my male clients actually tested as a genius. They all had great senses of humor.
The style of humor differed from case to case, but it was there. Some exhibited behaviors I couldn't comprehend, but I wasn't a trained psychologist or anything. For example, one client kept all his hair trimmings and nail clippings in a jar beside his bed.
He finally explained to me that those were a part of his body, and he needed to always keep them close and safe. These people were never violent or mean. They were sweet and thoughtful in their own ways.
They enjoyed different activities, were curious, and seemed to enjoy their personal contact with me, other staff, and each other. Communication was sometimes tricky, but they got their meaning across if you were patient. In the two years I worked there, I learned a lot about myself and felt great satisfaction when I saw that I had made a positive difference in their lives.
Take care, and good luck on your own journey." —Lisa M. "Anhedonia (lacking the ability to enjoy oneself) is the next worst, as it is also harder to set goals when you cannot enjoy your achievements when you reach them.
It's close to depression in the lowered level or lack of enjoyment in everyday experiences or treats that you experience. Lack of concentration means I have to try and do things in short bursts and become persistent instead of being able to sail smoothly through something a healthy person could. I've realized that people pick up on my lack of naturalness in emotional expression, which makes me a bit wary of socializing.
However, I have come to grips with it more these days and tend to accept it as one of my quirks. I don't worry so much about what others think, relying on my quiet charm and wit to balance that out. A major effect of schizophrenia is a combination of lack of concentration and hallucinations bouncing around in your head, which means paying attention to something in real-time, like television, a conversation, or driving, can be very difficult.
My family still isn't used to me asking for them to repeat things (or else my responding a bit inappropriately as I am not quite in the frame), and I remember how amazing it was when a medication change worked enough for me to finally be able to watch television again after a decade without it. Reading books is also a slow labor of love. Reading news items on the internet, which are short and sweet, is one of my few pleasures relating to concentration.
Mindfulness meditation and giving up coffee have both helped me in several ways. My anxiety is lessened, hallucinations are less frequent, and I feel my concentration has improved, as has my ability to pay attention to the real world at the moment. I strongly recommend it to anyone! One of the major difficulties is being poorer than peers and siblings if the years/episodes of psychosis have impacted your career or working life.
It can also lead to resentment or depression. However, it can also make you thankful for what you do have, other people's understanding, and family and community support. Accepting yourself as disabled is also more difficult when you do not have any visible ailment.
I still ask myself questions as to why my life has turned out like this or is a certain way today when the answer is: because you have a disability. My youth was full of amazing promise. My adult life is a patchwork of tears.
Finally, living through these hardships can make you very helpful, caring, and concerned about others. Many people with schizophrenia are really lovely people!" —Anonymous "This upset me because, to me, these things were real, and no one would listen to me. These things were happening; people were messing with me, and no one would help me, not even the police.
I started to get very depressed and felt like I was some kind of joke to the world. Then I began to see things in the TV. I'd watch a movie, and the girl would have my hands.
I would know they were my hands because they'd have my exact color polish with the same nail missing. Plus, we all know what our hands look like, and those were definitely my hands! Or, I'd watch a movie and see my dad's smile on the character's face. Or, I'd be watching a show and see a pair of pants that my friend was wearing that day on an actor on TV.
This was one of the most frustrating times in my life because no one would see what I was seeing, and I didn't understand why nobody would pay attention to what I was saying. I believe this went on for about a year and a half before I finally started hearing the voices of people I knew. There were five different voices of people I knew who were still alive in my head.
They were always degrading me and making me feel like a horrible person. That's when I realized that I might be sick. I knew hearing voices in my head wasn't a good thing and wasn't normal.
It still took me a few months to get better on the medication, and I started to realize that those were delusions and hallucinations, and those things really did not happen. I have been under medical care now for many years. Even though I know in my mind that those things did not happen, the hurt I felt in my heart from those things is still real.
I don't think I will ever heal from the things I heard in my head or the torment I felt when I left the house to go out in the always-snickering world." —Sarah R..
