2 days Ago
As news organizations from coast to coast rally their declining number of reporters to look back on 2024, I choose to focus forward on 2025. Here are some light-hearted predictions for Boulder and Colorado. People disgusted with President-elect Elon Musk fund a new Boulder startup selling stick-on parts that make a Tesla look like a Subaru.
Boulder Bookstore best-sellers: • “The Carpetbagger Chronicles” by Lauren Boebert; • “I’ve Looked at Football From Both Sides Now” by Travis Hunter; • “Eyes on the White House” by Jared Polis; • “All you need to know about Colorado’s 2026 Gubernatorial Race coauthored” by Joe Neguse and Phil Weiser. Denver International Airport gives its dark, windy and freezing bus station an Antarctic theme with paintings of ice and penguins on the walls. Casa Bonita opens a drive-in window for patrons frustrated at trying to get reservations.
The South Boulder Rec Center disappears in a massive sinkhole caused by years of leaking from the pool. Local residents demand action. New Chair of the Department of Government Efficiency Vivek Ramaswamy, forces employees of NCAR and NIST to play a game of DOGE ball to determine which entity will remain in Boulder.
NIST loses. Shedeur Sanders inks a seven-figure deal with Timex, saying “I’ve been taking a licking and am still ticking the whole time I’ve been at CU.” BVSD supports substitute teachers by encouraging them to take shifts in school cafeterias during their lunch breaks, driving buses before and after school, and working as janitors at night.
Boulder approves a subdivision in the Area III Planning Reserve close to the Boulder Rifle Club. New streets are Baretta Boulevard, Smith & Wesson Way, Colt Court and Remington Road. All tennis courts within the Boulder city limits are converted to Pickleball courts overnight.
Orthopedic doctors rejoice. Viking Cruises announces a Boulder Nimby theme cruise, wherein passengers travel to coastal cities worldwide and vociferously object to new construction. There’s good news that CU will offer Masters and PhD degrees in robotics, the bad news is that the courses will be taught by artificially intelligent robots.
City Council starts enforcing an already existing rule for when they respond to open public speaker comments: Members now must wait until after 2:00 a.m. the next day.
The staggering cost of CU Boulder’s tuition and fees is offset by accepting more out-of-state students. The legislature formally renames the campus the University of California at Boulder. City Council and the Board of Regents continue their kumbaya moments at the Boulder Shambhala Center when voting on all new developments.
Speed limits on all bike paths are set — the new city ordinance for e-bikes and e-lime scooters is 35 MPH — runners and walkers decide to drive cars for their safety. Vision Zero advocates remain silent. The Dark Horse restaurant formally changes its name to Trojan Horse in an attempt to avoid closing — once inside protestors storm the building.
The Buffs have to endure football games with 10:00 p.m. kick-offs.
Coach Prime exchanges his sunglasses for night vision goggles. CU’s new Chancellor Justin Schwartz realizes that the Boulder campus is actually governed by Deion Sanders — newly elected regents and Schwartz are fitted for their cheerleading uniforms. Boulder removes fluoride from municipal water and replaces it with Ozempic.
Celestial Seasons markets a new tea for Halloween: Creepytime. BVSD closes Mesa Elementary School. SoBo residents clamor to transform it into a rec center.
Federal convict Steve Bannon, the new head of the Federal Aviation Administration, agrees to convert the Boulder airport into a KOA Campground — short-term rental ordinances will not be enforced. Deion Sanders takes the coaching job at the Dallas Cowboys. Peggy Coppom shocks Boulder by moving to Texas.
Boulder is awarded the Sundance Film Festival but is turned down on hosting the Miss America beauty pageant for lack of agreement on pronouns. BVSD ban on cell phones results in students taking up Morse Code. Old, familiar Boulder restaurants open in 2025 with new concepts and new names: • Farm-to-table fare becomes the Cheesecake Tractory; • An upscale version of Hooters becomes Brassiere Ten Ten; • And a new brewpub becomes Under the Sink.
Patty Limerick receives a big settlement from CU to establish a new academic center. CU requests that she name it the Center for “University Fools.” Tesla Cybertruck owners in Boulder overwhelming opt to install heavily tinted windshields so that no one can see who actually bought one.
Boulder provides free sleeping bags for residents of new, mandated all-electric buildings for the increasing number of times that Xcel cuts off the power. Jolly Rancher Gummies are voted Best in Boulder candies in which to conceal cannabis gummies when flying to other states and countries. BVSD, which ended cosmetology classes, now encourages students to put lipstick on fetal pigs dissected in biology classes.
Colorado after winning a $66.4 million grant for transportation raises hopes (once again) of Front Range rail service. Hazel Miller records “Midnight Train to Boulder.
” Archeologists comb through the site of the former 65-year-old Harvest House hotel and find artifacts of an earlier Boulder: Grateful Dead-themed bongs, Legendary 4-Nikators t-shirts, Schlitz beer cans, eight-track tapes, a NOW button, wooden clog, and menus from the now defunct restaurants: Furr’s Cafeteria, Round-the Corner, Kings Food Host, Twinburger, Lamp Post, Great Harvest, Bananas, Chimes, Viking, Charcoal Chef, Shakey’s, and Roman Village Pizza — Historic Boulder is “formally” dissolved for lack of oversight. Colorado allows prison inmates to vote. Convicted Mesa County Clerk and Recorder Tina Peters applies to run the elections in the big house.
CU transforms the former Cinebarre movie theater into faculty residences consisting of tiny houses that face an enormous outdoor movie screen. Thanks to one and all who have read my columns over the past 12 months. Next year promises to be a rough ride for democracy, so let’s hang in there and make the best of it.
Happy New Year, Bonne Année, Feliz Ano Nuevo, Nutan Varsh Shubhkamna! Jim can be reached at [email protected] ..
