21 hours Ago
As we maneuver through the day-to-day preparations of the holiday season, many of us must prepare for that endurance test of being around that one relative or in-law who redefines the concept of disagreeable. Now, don’t get me wrong-this is not about politics (for a change). It’s about holidays with a schmuck, that family member who is less a kindhearted human and more an incredible test of your patience, self-restraint, composure, and tolerance.
You know that one-a real pain in the butt. We like to think of our families as loving, caring, sensitive people who bring joy to the world like a cream-of-wheat-on-a-white-plate Hallmark movie. But there is always at least one tantrum-throwing, selfish, self-absorbed egoist who blames everyone else for their personal disasters and exists to spread misery like glitter in a nursery school classroom.
You know, a total jackass. These downers often infiltrate the family under a smokescreen of charm-smiling, cracking jokes, maybe even periodically picking up the check. But once they’ve latched onto the family tighter than a tick on a chihuahua, their true colors show like the aurora borealis.
Disrespectful, ungrateful, and with the emotional maturity of an expired quart of milk. It doesn’t matter how nice you are to them; their gratitude is as rare as Wi-Fi in the middle of the Squirrel Hill Tunnels. Once, while complaining about that happiness sponge who sucks away the spirit in our family gathering, I vented to a friend.
He smiled and said, “I have two friends I can always count on for situations like this.” I asked, “Oh yeah? Who are they?” He just smiled and said, “They are called Distance and Dignity, and they are highly underrated holiday companions.” Honestly, though, I have fantasized about every possible creative escape-everything from the FBI witness protection programs to a reality show on deserted islands.
But I am not a cold-blooded monster. Heck, I even rescue bugs instead of squishing them. Mostly because I’m afraid they’ll come back to jump me at night.
What would really be ideal is if they found inner peace and joy in an out-of-state or out-of-the-country job that keeps them away from these holiday festivities altogether. But that is as predictable as finding a prime parking spot without a handicapped sign on Christmas Eve. So, we grin and hope for the best as if we have a happy face drawn on our foreheads and we do what we can to get through it.
Nothing lasts forever. With this potential reality in mind, here are some ideas for how to manage the chaos of the holidays without going completely bonkers: · Set up a card table on the front porch. Bonus points if you can convince the Grinch to be the lone inhabiter.
· Schedule a delivery to their house right before they leave, preferably something that requires a signature and would take hours or days to assemble. · Nominate them for a full-time goodwill ambassador position in some far-off land. Imagine the possibilities: “Congratulations, Uncle Bob! You have been chosen as deputy undersecretary of diplomacy in Moldova.
” So, as you prepare to carve your turkey, string your lights, or deck whatever halls you have, remember this: Every family has its jerks. And sometimes, they come with a level of negativity that feels overwhelming. But you are stronger than their nonsense, and the holidays can still be festive-especially with some creativity and a gallon or two of eggnog.
Since 2018, the Hallmark Channel has had movie titles like: “Time for Him to Come Home for Christmas” “Time for Her to Come Home for Christmas” “Time for Them to Come Home for Christmas” “Time for Us to Come Home for Christmas” “Time for You to Come Home for Christmas” I’m thinking that their best movie just might be, “Don’t Come Home for Christmas.” Happy Holidays to all and good luck out there! Nick Jacobs is a Windber resident..
