‘My situationship went from loving to cruel overnight - he’s degraded me every day’

Join the OK! VIP newsletter and receive big exclusives to your inbox before anyone else! We have more newsletters Join the OK! VIP newsletter and receive big exclusives to your inbox before anyone else! We have more newsletters In Lalalaletmeexplain 's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers.

Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading..



. Dear Lala, I have been seeing a guy for over six months casually. I made it explicit from the very start that I was not looking for anything serious, that this was purely an intimate relationship and nothing more.

He was a gentle lover, communicated well and had zero red flags. We had intimacy, we spoke, laughed and everything was good, but we had a scare where the condom broke last week and he took me the next day (or should I say a few hours after, early morning) to get the morning after pill. Every day since he’s been degrading towards me, cruel with his words, and offensive about who I am.

He’s replied to my messages saying he’s not interested in what I’m doing or my life with ‘sorry/not sorry’. So I cut him off. Didn’t block or delete, but just stopped responding.

He got drunk one night, messaged me normally and then when he asked to come around and I said ‘no thank you, I’m not in the mood’, he responded with really cruel comments about the fact that he wouldn’t let anyone around either if he had my face. In the days since it’s been much the same degradation. Why is he doing this? I don’t get it at all.

Lala says...

This is such bizarre behaviour and I’m sorry that he has tried to make you feel awful about yourself. I hope he hasn’t succeeded and that you know that this is entirely about him and nothing to do with your face. Unfortunately I can’t tell you why he’s doing this, we would need him to give us a chronological history of his significant relationships starting from childhood to be able to have a guess at what might lead him to be so unhinged.

My completely uninformed guesses from the letter alone would be that perhaps he wants more than casual from you and your reaction of fear and anxiety about being pregnant made him realise how little you want something serious with him and he’s hurt and feels rejected and wants to make you feel as awful as he does because he’s a poor communicator with a bruised ego. Or he’s just always been a nasty man and has hidden it well but the condom break triggered something, perhaps he could have some weird association in his head about women and contraception. Maybe it made him realise how much he didn’t want to have a baby with you and he got all strange and avoidant.

It is so normal to search for reasons for why he’s suddenly become a cruel bully, but he’s the only person who can give you the real answer to that and he may not even know himself. Asking the person who’s being abusive towards us why they’re being abusive doesn’t tend to garner the truth. Ultimately, he’s shown his true colours, he’s being really immature and he’s trying to bring you down a peg or two.

There is no coming back from this behaviour. Even if he were to later apologise and admit that he’s in love with you, it’s still far too red flaggy to overlook and hope for the best. Resorting to degrading your looks and everything about you every time he feels insecure will ruin your life, especially because you never even wanted to be more than casual in the first place.

I am curious about why you haven’t blocked and deleted, and I wonder if that’s because you’re now curious! You’re so baffled by his complete switch up that you want to leave the door open to see what happens next and whether you can figure out how to get your great lover back. But that guy has gone. If you have some issues yourself around previous abuse or neglect or abandonment or whatever it may be, then it’s possible that you could end up feeling more drawn to him now that he’s being so cruel, perhaps his toxicity is compelling.

Check yourself and make an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible if that’s the case. You’ve left the door open for him to continue to degrade you, and that doesn’t make you to blame for any of it, but it does make me worry that his negging is having an impact and that you’re waiting for him to change and are vulnerable to feeling limerent or anxiously attached to this hot and cold hate/love dynamic. Perhaps he’s using pick-up artist techniques that teach men to love bomb women by being really kind and then turning nasty, giving the silent treatment and changing character completely because apparently women like being treated badly (according to the logic of the nefarious characters who teach this stuff) and it hooks us in.

Reflect on how this is making you feel and talk to someone about it but don’t wait for him to be the anti-dote and repair the damage he has caused. We will never really know why he’s doing this, but in all cases - whatever the cause may be - block, delete, move on. This mean streak could escalate and become dangerous.

Angry sex can be great, but casual with a man who clearly feels contempt for you, for whatever reason, is never worth it. It’s risky. It’s such a shame because he really met your needs until he lost his mind (or retained his mind and actively chose to be cruel), but it’s unforgivable as far as I'm concerned, too much room for danger.

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