Josh Freed: It's time to build a great wall of ice (and keep Canada nice)

Article content Which of the following expresses your feelings about the U.S. election: a) elated; b) defeated; c) depleted; d) nauseated? If you answered (d), try an antacid pill.

It worked for me. We have entered a grave new world where the planet is shifting on its axis, while Donald Trump spins it. But we haven’t all adjusted to the world’s new wobble.



In the weeks before the election Trump was practically all anyone I know talked about. But in the weeks afterward, almost no one did as a strange silence reigned. Many retreated into a shell, determined to tune out the news and just skip the next four years.

But as usual Trump has crashed back into our craniums, this time with his cabinet nominations, which seem more like reality show choices than real ones. Many are alarmed that his Secretary of Defense pick is a TV host accused of sexual assault , while his secretary of health doesn’t believe in vaccines. I’m just thankful the defence job didn’t go to wrestler Hulk Hogan.

I know many here feel traumatized by Trump. You worry his attacks on immigrants, health care and environmental laws could spill over Canada’s border too. You worry you’ll be jolted by never-ending turbulent Trump tweets, like: “PRESIDENTIAL ORDER: TAKE OUT IRAN!!!” “ Ooops .

.. Spellcheck error, “I meant ORDER IRANIAN TAKE-OUT!!” Meanwhile, online searches are surging again for “how to move from America to Canada” as Trump-dodgers look North to the land of the free(ze) .

These searches ask basic questions most Americans have about our country, like: Where is Canada? Do they use the same electrical outlets as us? Can I get Netflix? Also: can you drink the water, or is it fluoridated? Most alarmed are undocumented U.S. immigrants Trump promises to deport by the millions.

But many U.S. citizens also worry they could lose their right to Medicare, same-sex marriage and a good night’s sleep.

Even some highly placed U.S. generals and officials are reportedly preparing escape plan s.

That’s because they’re on Trump’s “enemies list,” along with Nancy Pelosi who he recently said should be prosecuted . This raises a tricky political question: If asked, do we grant Pelosi political refugee status? Here in Quebec, PQ Leader Paul St-Pierre Plamondon warns millions could soon stream over Canada’s border . There have already been unconfirmed reports of “superyacht refugees” fleeing across Lake Champlain, carrying only their SUVs, monster barbecues and golf carts.

The RCMP says it’s on “high alert” at the border , presumably looking for families of Democrats hidden in the trunks of Teslas, their socks stuffed with stocks. According to my Washington sources, Trump is now eyeing Canada’s border, with talk of building a giant AI-controlled wind wall between our two countries to spot and keep out “loser” Canadian weather. A leaked Trump message to his Secretary for the Destruction of the Environment, says: “I’ve had it with these @#%$** Canadian cold fronts, illegally crossing our border and freezing our assets off.

TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE STUFF! VERY NASTY!! “We’re gonna send it all back to them and make Canada pay.” But I say before Trump builds that wall, let’s beat him to it and create our own. The simplest solution is a digital wall.

Under this plan, Canada’s CRTC would limit the amount of U.S. news entering our country and require warnings before Trump-related newscasts, like those before violent TV shows.

“WARNING: The following may contain disturbing political content and alarming presidential statements. Viewer discretion is advised. If you, or someone you know needs support, go to Canadian-Gov-we’re.

here.to.help.

Psychologists are standing by .” It’s probably safest to watch only local neighbourhood news in your own area code area. This will let you focus on less-stressful issues like Bill 21, our health crisis and whether the REM lines will be finished in six months, six years or 60.

Others propose an actual wall made of one-way glass, so only Canadians can see out, preferably using bulletproof glass. I favour a more home-grown Canadian solution: a giant 50-foot ice wall along our border, like the one in Game of Thrones that’s guarded by the ancient “Night’s Watch.” However, ours would be guarded by legions of giant Canadian snowmen.

If we bring in Montreal’s crack snow-removal troops and their snowblowers we could build it in one winter, then seal and refrigerate it in summer. It’s not easy shutting out millions of desperate U.S.

political refugees. But imagine the massive task of integrating them all and teaching them terms like “toonie,” “poutine,” “high-sticking,” “eh” and “sorry.” Or how to convert from Fahrenheit using 5/9 (F-32) = C, a formula most native Canadians still get wrong.

Imagine Americans’ trauma as new Canadian citizens being asked to “swear allegiance to His Majesty King Charles III.” Or learning to stay awake during “breaking” Canadian news about dairy boards, fishery disputes and the notwithstanding clause. It’s kinder and easier to build a wall and spare them from all that.

This could be a great national unity project, a 21st century version of the railway that built our country. It’s time to build the Great Wall of Ice and “Keep Canada Nice.” joshfreed49@gmail.

com.