2 days Ago By Aimee Meade
Overwhelmed mothers need a village. That’s what we say. But in reality, I want anything but.
The idea of a “village” refers to a way of living and child rearing . It’s a tribe often of women, a community of mothers, family, friends, neighbours, ready to step in and support you and your baby. When my Nana had children in the 60s, she had this ready-made village waiting for her.
She was one of 15, so by the time she had started her own family, there were plenty of sisters and nieces living close by to step in and help. They could take the children out, or help with cooking and cleaning. She even told me that you could simply put your baby outside your front door in the pram to get some fresh air – while you stayed inside.
I asked who took care of the baby. “The street” she shrugged. Today that would warrant a call from social services.
However, it’s not the al fresco approach to childcare that is my biggest concern. There’s no way I could leave my baby in the care of neighbours without knowing where they stood on the big issues. For instance, how much screen time do they think is appropriate? What is their attitude towards sweets and nutrition? What’s their parenting style – Montessori mum, gentle or authoritative? I don’t want to share child-rearing responsibilities with parents who parent differently than I do.
We all have such stark and polar beliefs. Before the internet, there were a couple of books out about parenting and everyone read the same ones, if they bothered at all. But we’re not all checking out the same two books from the library anymore – there’s a wealth of information online and parenting influencers are giving us advice and forming our opinions.
I’ve heard from mothers in the 90s who did child sharing. It meant they could cut the cost of childcare and took turns taking each others children. It sounded like an amazing solution to the cost of childcare crisis.
Until I realised, there is no one I would trust in my support group. What if they let the children have too much screen time? What if they don’t gentle parent? What if they used the very harmful “naughty step” technique which controls children using shame and guilt? I don’t want to shame a child into behaving correctly. I’m a gentle parent.
I don’t believe in punishments, I believe in “natural consequences”. It means, if my child is behaving badly at the park I will ask her to stop. If she does it again, we will leave.
That’s a natural consequence. It’s not “if you behave badly I will take your iPad away”, or “you have to sit on the naughty step”. No, we will leave, and just move on to a different activity.
No shouting, no shaming. No guilt. There are other rules too.
I don’t care about TV time, but iPads are only for Fridays. No sweets ever, chocolates are for treats. Bedtime is bedtime.
My child doesn’t need to eat your dinner but she always has to try it. If she says she is full, I won’t force a few more spoons. She doesn’t need to hug anyone she doesn’t want to.
Even within the same groups of parenting philosophies, there are divides and splinter groups . I can’t help but think someone could undo all the years of hard work I’ve done so far by using the wrong words, or giving my daughter the wrong idea about something. Like about food.
I’ve worked so hard on creating healthy ideas about food and I don’t want someone to say “you have to finish this” or “five more spoons” to a child who has said she is full – forcing her to ignore what her body is saying. Read Next It took having a baby to realise my life was great without one Moreover, when someone is helping you out for free, it can get murkier. Can you lay down ground rules with other mothers if they’re taking your kids for the day? Can you tell them how to spend their time? Not really.
That’s why it’s easier to pay a professional. You pay them, they respect your wishes. There are no hurt feelings, and no one feels judged.
Because parenting is so personal, it’s too hard to tell someone, essentially “I think the way you’re parenting your children is wrong, and the way I do it is better”. But I do find myself thinking that all the time. And I guarantee others feel the same about me.
I have friends who have laid down very strict boundaries when it comes to Grandparents when childminding. One such friend told her parents that her daughter is allowed zero TV time, absolutely no screens, biscuits, juice, or ice cream. It’s fair enough, if the Grandparents are happy to do it, but can you demand that of another mother who is tasked with taking care of, and feeding both of your kids for the day? It’s less reasonable when you start dictating how an unpaid village member has to spend her day, with both of your combined children.
And it makes the village thing impossible. No, If I’m really honest with myself, I don’t want a village. I want a group of women who have the exact same beliefs as me when it comes to child rearing, and that’s just not realistic.
I would rather pay someone, anyone, to just do what I ask without trying to debate me on my beliefs. Because choosing a parenting philosophy today is like choosing a religion, you can do all the research, but ultimately, go with what instinctively feels right to you..
