2 days Ago By Dr Kate Lister
A fascinating article was recently published in The New York Times that asked: should your partner be your best friend? That’s a good question. Although the author does not offer a definitive answer, several experts were consulted, and they all seem to caution against viewing your partner as your best friend, which I find bizarre. Eli J Finkel, a social psychologist, said: “It is a lot to expect your partner to be the co-chief executive of the household, to split childcare, to be your exclusive sexual companion and to be your best friend.
” Dr Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist, felt that “liking your partner” — which she described as “admiring them, finding them funny, caring about their worldview, and having fun simply being together” is what’s needed for a solid relationship. And Professor Adam Fisher, the president of the American Psychological Association no less, argued that, “couples need some kind of ‘glue’ — commitment, shared values, sex, finances — something”, but it doesn’t need to be friendship. I am neither a psychologist nor a relationship expert, so do feel free to completely ignore my thoughts on the subject, but here they are anyway: if your romantic partner is not also your best friend, then what is the sodding point?if(window.
adverts) { window.adverts.addToArray({"pos": "inread-hb-ros-inews"}); }Seriously, what are you doing? Why in the name of all things holy would you voluntarily share your life, in the most intimate way, with anyone who wasn’t your most favourite person on the planet? Because you “share values”? That is complete madness.
If there is someone you like more than your partner, someone else that you call your BFF, then you should move in with them, immediately. Stop titting about and wasting your time with the runner-up. The other thing you need to know about me is that I am what can only be described as “single as f**k”.
I have been single for so long now that I think I am too far gone to want to share my space and resources with another human being ever again. I cannot conceive of any situation where I would think to myself, “This would all be so much better if I had a man sitting on my sofa, watching my TV”. I don’t think I’d even know what to do with a boyfriend if I got one now.
How much do they eat? How often do they need walking? No, no. It’s not for me. I love being single, which only makes the revelation that there are people out there, who are coupled up with someone who isn’t their best friend and best person, utterly baffling.
Surely, a romantic relationship is the most intimate and significant set up two (or more) people can embark on? Why would anyone choose to do this with someone who wasn’t their best friend? #color-context-related-article-3478508 {--inews-color-primary: #3759B7;--inews-color-secondary: #EFF2FA;--inews-color-tertiary: #3759B7;} Read Next square KATE LISTER Gentle parent your children away from me, pleaseRead MoreAnd why on earth are there mental health professionals advocating for such a set up? I hate to criticise the experts, but if you are sharing children and finances with someone who you simply “admire” and “like”, I think you need your head examining. Surely, in the year of our Lord 2025, we can set our sights a little bit higher than that? if(window.adverts) { window.
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adverts.addToArray({"pos": "mpu_tablet_l1"}); }Until very recently in our shared history, marriage was an economic necessity, especially for women. My grandmother was paid a fraction of the wage a man was earning for doing the same work and was barred from entering certain professions.
Go back a bit further and women couldn’t go to university, or vote, or keep her own money once she was married. Without a husband to support her, a woman’s prospects were bleak indeed. So yes, women needed to get married until quite recently in our history.
Being best friends with your partner didn’t really come into it. Hell, I’m not even sure if it was all that important if you even liked each other. And if we were still living in the 1950s, I might have read an article about friendship not being essential for a successful partnership and thought it all sounded rather sensible and pragmatic.
But we no longer have to contractually attach ourselves to another human being in order to keep a roof over our heads, which rather begs the question, why do we continue to do it? Surely, the only and obvious answer to that is because your significant other is the person you like more than any other? That they make your life better by being in it? There are still a lot of financial advantages to being in a couple. Take it from a committed singleton, solo living isn’t cheap, but you don’t need to jump into a romantic relationship just to offset the cost of the lecky bill. You can flat share or live in a commune.
I actually think it’s quite a dangerous idea to suggest anyone should be settling for anything less than best friendship in a partner. How many mediocre relationships are trundling on, long after either party felt any kind of excitement about the other, just because we have set the bar so ridiculously low when it comes to romance? If you are in a relationship with someone who isn’t your best friend, I don’t think you should be in it! Upgrade your expectations and stop settling. There is an important point I feel that The New York Times article neglects: it’s not that your partner shouldn’t be your best friend, but rather they shouldn’t be your only friend.
I see this dynamic a lot, especially amongst older women who have retired alongside their husbands, only to discover that he now follows her around the house like a lonely duckling because he has no friends of his own.I fully agree that it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to meet all your emotional needs. Nobody can do that, and this is precisely why friendships outside of the primary relationship are so important.
If you ask me, the key to a healthy relationship is having loads of other people in your life that you can turn to when that person is absolutely doing your head in, which they inevitably will. But, having a vibrant and varied friendship group does not mean that the person you choose to spend your life with shouldn’t be at the top of that list. Otherwise, what is the point?.
