1 week Ago By Laura Goddard
DEAR DEIDRE: IT’S one thing to forgive an affair but quite another to stop thoughts popping into your head.My husband and I have worked hard at rebuilding our marriage and the trust since I discovered suggestive messages on his phone.I don’t even think he would cheat again but still I keep revisiting their sexual conversations and imagining them together.
Why do these thoughts keep sneaking up on me when I least expect it?We’re in our late thirties. My husband’s affair happened four years ago and although we are in a much better place and in many ways happier than before, these memories derail me.We have got our sex life back on track and my husband always makes sure I’m satisfied – he’s definitely become a more considerate lover.
But, still, we’ll be undressing each other or in the middle of sex and all of a sudden those unwanted thoughts come flooding in.As we have worked so hard to get our relationship back on track, I end up pretending everything is okay as I don’t want to set us back.In the run up to his infidelity, we’d become ground down by work and running around after our young daughter.
We hardly spent any time together and had both started to take each other for granted. Still, I knew something was up when he became strangely protective of his phone.I saw some messages on his mobile from a colleague which, on the face of it, seemed normal but he’d never mentioned her before so I grew suspicious.
Looking through his phone for more clues, I came across a social media app that he’d never used before — and there it was, one follower, the same work colleague.The messages were more than suggestive and it was clear that they’d met up a few times.When I confronted him he insisted nothing sexual had happened.
I do believe him so why can’t I move on?READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDREDEAR DEIDREI'm having a steamy affair with my neighbour's wife but I feel guilty about itDEAR DEIDREMy love rat boyfriend has put me through the wringer - but refuses to proposeDEIDRE SAYS: Even though you believe your husband that he didn’t have a sexual affair, he clearly betrayed your relationship by secretly meeting this woman and exchanging saucy messages.This will take time to recover from. Rather than burying your upset, talk to your husband next time these thoughts flood in.
You are trying to maintain an image that you have both moved on but unless you address how insecure you are feeling, he won’t be able to reassure you.Don’t be tempted to ask him for unhelpful details like, “Was she prettier, slimmer, fitter, than me?” This information will only hold you back.The important thing for you to know is he regrets his actions and wants a future with you.
My support pack Cheating Can You Get Over It? will help you recover from this.Get in touch with DeidreEvery problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.
co.ukYou can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.GIRL I’VE FALLEN FOR IS 15DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE fallen in love with a beautiful girl, but she is only 15.
I am worried about what people will think.I am 24 and she likes me back. I know we can’t have sex because she is underage and that it would be illegal, but I don’t want to.
I just want to be with her because we get on so well.We like the same things and have fun when we are together. I care about her and wouldn’t do anything to harm her.
I just worry about what her parents will say if we tell them – and my family too.Should we just keep it a secret?DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t keep this from your families because you will be found out. Age is not just a number.
There is a huge difference in your emotional development.This girl is too young to have a relationship with you. While she may seem mature, or even want a relationship, she does not have as much life experience as you.
She will be studying for her GCSEs while you, no doubt, will have been out working for years.Do the right thing and reframe your thoughts so you see this as a friendship, not a romantic relationship.If you are ready for a relationship, start socialising more with young people your own age.
It would be far better for you to meet someone at a similar life stage to you.My support pack Learning About Relationships explains more.HE DRINKS AND WE’RE SUFFERINGDEAR DEIDRE: MY husband spends every penny we have on booze.
He is an alcoholic.I’m 42, and he is 45. We have been married for 15 years and have two sons aged 13 and nine.
He drinks every day and usually comes home intoxicated. He is good for nothing and can’t help out with the kids. He just slumps on the sofa.
I have told him so many times to get help but he won’t listen to a word I say. He denies he has a problem and insists he simply enjoys a drink like everyone else. I become so angry that I shout at him.
It’s affecting our eldest son because he is becoming aggressive and has started getting into trouble at school.My youngest son is always crying when we argue and he is becoming quite withdrawn.It’s heartbreaking to see my children like this.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your partner’s heavy drinking must be a huge concern, especially as it’s affecting your children.Sadly, you can’t stop him from drinking. He must realise he has a problem and seek the right support from his GP.
You may need to consider separating to protect your sons. Al-Anon Family Groups help families (al-anonuk.org.
uk, 0800 0086 811). Inform your son’s school, too.My support pack Dealing With A Problem Drinker will help you.
LOST A TESTICLE FROM HER KICKDEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend kicked me in the groin because I was drunk and couldn’t get an erection. The pain was excruciating and the damage so bad that I ended up losing one of my testicles.I am 35, my girlfriend is 33.
We have been together for two years and I always thought we had a good relationship.We had been drinking all evening in celebration of her birthday when she assaulted me.She wanted sex with me but I was struggling to get an erection.
She got out of bed and I could see she was becoming annoyed.I kept telling her I was sorry, that I had drunk too much, but she wouldn’t listen. I even suggested we have sex in the morning when we’d sobered up.
But she grabbed my testicles then kicked me where it hurts. I was in agony. I called an ambulance because the pain was so terrible.
The doctor told me that my girlfriend had damaged my testicle so badly that it had to be removed. I couldn’t believe it.My girlfriend has since apologised but because we were so drunk she says she can’t get into trouble for sexual assault.
She says she would never behave like that when sober.I know I am being pathetic but I am scared of my girlfriend now, knowing what she is capable of.DEIDRE SAYS: Of course you are scared – your girlfriend sounds unpredictable and violent.
You are not being pathetic.Your girlfriend is in the wrong – this was a sexual assault.She caused bodily harm and being drunk is no defence and doesn’t excuse her behaviour.
It was abusive and against the law.You must talk to the police about taking this further. Please don’t stay with this woman a minute longer.
You deserve to be with someone who will love and respect you, not treat you so badly and hurt you like this.Get in touch with SurvivorsUK who support men who have experienced sexual violation (survivorsuk.org, 0203 598 3898).
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