3 days Ago By Vita Molyneux
Over the seven years of my journalistic career I have interviewed criminals, sat next to murderers in court and chased tornadoes - but it’s this taste test that has my heart pounding the hardest. On a trip to Tesco last week I saw something I had never come across before: a full burger that you can microwave. I moved to London from New Zealand last year, and was unfamiliar with the concept of a Rustlers burger until now.
I was mystified by it, and also slightly in awe. To me, it appears the creators of these burgers were so fixated on whether they could, that they never stopped to wonder if they should. The concept of a microwavable cheeseburger fills me with fear, and that fear is twofold: first, that I will get some sort of horrendous beef-borne illness, and second, that I’ll actually come to love this bizarre microwavable meal.
I decided to face my fear and do it anyway, so I picked up a Rustler’s quarter pounder and read the instructions meticulously. As I cracked open the packet a greasy waft of McDonald’s aroma washed over me and I felt a split second of relief. I like McDonalds, maybe this would all be okay afterall.
However, inspection of the hockey puck-like meat patty dashed those hopes. It was concerningly grey, with strings of congealed fat lacing the top of the disc. I took a deep breath and popped the whole thing (well, burger and bun) into the microwave for one minute and 10 seconds exactly.
Once I had unstuck the cheese from its plastic casing - noting that they were virtually indistinguishable from each other - I remade the burger with the cheese on top and a squeeze of neon orange mystery sauce to bring the whole thing together. My first bite was nothing short of horrendous: a textural nightmare from which I struggled to find release. The meat patty almost popped when my teeth broke through the surface and the microwaved bread instantly made haste to the roof of my mouth and stuck there like cement.
I chewed the rapidly hardening lump of meat, cheese and bread around my mouth for what seemed like an eternity before managing to swallow. Tragically, the taste was actually pretty good, very similar to the McDonald’s quarter pounder but the fact I was eating microwavable meat haunted me. About half way through the burger I met my match - a tough chewy lump of bouncy gristle.
I simply could not go on after that, no matter how tentatively good the burger was. The mystery lump turned my stomach to such a degree that I had to put the remnants of the burger in the other room to try and forget about it. I started this taste test with a concern I would come to love Rustlers, and I am proud to report there is approximately zero chance of that happening.
I am well aware of the ‘any port in a storm’ concept, but this is one port I will be sailing past for eternity..
