1 week Ago
“Mr. Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.” This saying on the dish towel hanging on the oven door handle in my kitchen never fails to get a laugh from guests.
I live in a great neighborhood, but I will say no more to protect the guilty. My dish towel says it all, nicely. This towel sent me on a quest for some of the best sayings on dishtowels and napkins.
My neighbor has a high-pressure job with lots of criticism, and he loves my fudge. When I know he's received public criticism, I give him fudge, and with one batch, I gave him a set of napkins that say, “Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands!” There are towels that say, “Did you ever notice there are no recipes for leftover chocolate?” Another is, “Either you love chocolate or you’re wrong.
” and “Chocolate is to women what duct tape is to men. It fixes everything.” I had to gift napkins to a friend after their nasty divorce.
They say, “Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.” There are some sayings that I consider in very bad taste, perhaps because I was reared in the 1950s and '60s, and you just don’t think those words, much less say them or display them. There also are lots of sayings about aging.
A recent one making the rounds on social media is “One day you’re young and alive and the next day you have a favorite pharmacy." Another is, “If things get better with age, I must be getting close to magnificent,” and, “Some days I amaze myself. Other days I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.
” So true is, “You know you’re old when you’re entering your birth year online ...
and you have to spin that thing like you’re at a slot machine in Vegas” and “At my age, getting lucky means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.” One of my favorites is, “I really don’t mind getting older but my body is taking it badly.” Marriage is a topic ripe for quips such as, “Behind every retired man is a wife wishing he would go back to work” or “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
” Song titles often play into sayings such as “Anyone getting to the point where it would be OK if Jolene came and took your man?” Kitchen sayings include, “If you have to stir it, it’s homemade,” and “My cooking is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on.” If you have a critic in the kitchen, these fit: “Your opinion is not part of the recipe,” and as a follow-up, “I’m not bossy. I have leadership skills.
” True cooks can appreciate, “Life is short. Lick the bowl,” and “I love hugs. I love kisses, but what I really love is help with the dishes.
” These are just a few examples of the wit and wisdom of displayed kitchen towels and napkins. There are lots about coffee, but I don’t drink coffee, so more appealing is one about chocolate, of which I eat lots: “For some, there is therapy. For the rest of us, there’s chocolate.
” — Mitchell lives in Baton Rouge. Human Condition submissions of 600 words or fewer may be emailed to [email protected] .
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