How to Handle Unexpected Grief for Life Transitions

A friend of mine is retiring after dreaming about it for years. Yet when he packed up his office, he burst into tears. “I have no idea why,” he told me.

“I’ve wanted out forever.” We expect some life transitions to be difficult, like a serious illness or the end of a relationship. But others — a new house, a marriage, a promotion — are more positive.



You should be happy, so why do you feel sad? Because with change comes loss, said Alan Wolfelt, a grief counselor and director of the Center for Loss & Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colo. “Anytime you’re gaining something new in life, you’re giving something else up,” he said. And sometimes the result is grief, he added.

So how do you handle the unexpected emotions? I asked experts for guidance. We often associate grief with death, but it can crop up during any loss. And telling yourself that you should be happy only makes you feel worse, said Anthony Chambers, a psychologist and chief academic officer of the Family Institute at Northwestern University.

He suggests clarifying your muddled emotions by asking yourself these questions: What am I feeling and why am I feeling this way? What am I losing with this gain? What did I appreciate about my previous stage of life? If you feel grief, that doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice, Dr. Chambers said. It’s just part of your adjustment to this new chapter, he added.

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