1 week Ago By Carol Bradley Bursack
Dear Carol: My dad’s been experiencing memory lapses and making sketchy decisions. I finally got him into a neurologist who diagnosed him with dementia, most likely mixed Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. He’s 84 and in good general health, so he insists he’s fine.
Dad said the doctor didn’t know what he was doing so I took him to a memory specialist who confirmed the diagnosis. Dad now says they are “in cahoots.” I’m told that this denial isn’t unusual, but it’s making it difficult to get his legal paperwork done and plan for the future.
Well, that, and just trying to manage his life. What can a daughter do? – CV Dear CV: Your frustration is normal. It’s hard when we know what needs to be done and we’re met with complete denial of the facts.
I’m sorry you’re facing this battle. Some people are aware that their memory is declining and that it’s become harder to make sense of the world. What freezes them in denial is the understandable fear of what these changes mean for their future.
Ageism, as well as the common stigma that surrounds dementia, can both contribute. For others, denial stems from anosognosia , which is a condition that causes someone to be unaware of a mental health issue, or in the case of dementia, their thinking and memory challenges. This is different from denial, in that the person in denial knows they have problems but refuses to admit it, even to themselves.
With anosognosia, the brain damage caused by the person’s disease makes it impossible for them to be aware of the changes. We’ll assume, for now, that your dad may understand that his brain is changing and he’s angry about it, so be patient even when it’s hard. No matter the cause, don’t try to convince your dad he has dementia.
He’s been officially diagnosed, and he’s been informed of his condition by both doctors. Because he refuses to believe the doctors, he’s unlikely to believe the family. Continually bringing it up will only make him angrier and put you at odds more than ever.
You’ll have to work around it. Make any changes you can to help him live as safely as possible. Keep working toward getting the legal work done.
Unfortunately, the fact that he’s been diagnosed may already prevent him from signing legal papers since he could be viewed as legally incompetent. Worst case, your family may have to consider court-appointed guardianship/conservatorship. This is expensive and emotionally difficult, but some people must go through the courts to keep the person safe.
Check with a local elder attorney. Meanwhile, educate your family, and maintain records and a paper trail. Perhaps consider that another sibling or all siblings as a team might get through to your dad better than you can alone.
My heart is with you, CV. I’m hoping that your dad’s denial is out of natural fear and that soon he’ll understand that you are there to help him. Sending a caregiver hug.
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