2 weeks Ago
“Once we’ve picked the sinner, and they’ve picked us, then we learn to walk through life together.” — Betsy Barber, clinical psychologist “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” — Bible (1 John 1:8) Joe and Jane had been married a short time and were learning a lot about each other.
What they were learning was that marriage wasn’t all blissfulness — their spouse wasn’t perfect. They were recognizing that the journey to a satisfying and successful marriage was only just beginning. Bill and Beatty, on the other hand, had been married for 25 years, and had settled into a routine that left them feeling like something was missing.
Staying together and growing together requires constant attention at any stage of a marriage. Young marrieds tend to spend more time together, but that “togetherness” may not be all they thought it would be. Couples who have been married for a while tend to settle into their own routines, with minimal attention being paid to their relationship.
Whether newly married or well on the way in the marital journey, successful marriages grow through constant attention. David and Claudia Arp, authors of numerous books on marriage, including “The Second Half of Marriage” and “Ten Dates for Mates,” remind us that “each stage of marriage requires a recommitment to growth.” Spending intentional time together facilitates that growth.
Those times together should include sharing with one another, in love, both the good and the bad. Sharing together should include “level four” in-depth thoughts and concerns. Forgiveness may need to be a big part of the time together.
None of us are perfect, and husband and wife are best able to help one another recognize and address the needs for change and growth. “Forgiveness strengthens connection and enables intimacy. Without it, bitterness can spoil all of those playful moments, tainting them from the inside out.
” (Arps) Forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring issues that need to be addressed; it means handling them with love. Greg Smalley, with Focus on the Family, says “We need to update our knowledge about our spouse, just like we update our computer software.” We don’t stay the same.
We either grow or stagnate. Status quo is not an option. The Gottman Institute’s State of the Union exercise suggests we periodically “check-in” with each other: what are “appreciations” about our spouse, what’s working, what’s causing conflicts, and what specific needs do we have for love and appreciation.
Assisting these times is the recognition that there are seasons in our lives. In the Spring we are actively growing together. Maybe we are newlyweds, or moving to a new community, or transitioning to a new job.
Spring is about planting seeds of connection and shared experiences. Maybe it’s Summer. We are settled into our careers and our families are expanding, and busyness is crowding in on us.
We must remember, “the hotter and busier the summer, the more water your relationship may need.” Autumn is often a time for change in our lives. Children may be leaving the nest, careers may be peaking, and we shift to personal and shared growth.
The opportunities to reconnect and share new experiences need to be embraced. Winter eventually approaches and should not be faced with fear but rather anticipation. We share memories together and spend more time with each other and with close friends.
It’s time to do what we’ve been putting off. No matter what season we are in, Gottman suggests a concept of Positive Sentiment Override. Simply put, our good thoughts about our spouse override the negative ones.
We build up the PSO with certain behaviors. We become a gratitude detective. We look for and express appreciation for the little things our spouse does.
We make positive deposits daily. Our positive interactions should exceed the negative ones by a ratio of 5:1. We see the world through their eyes.
We listen to them with empathy and a desire to understand. We create shared rituals and traditions..
