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[EXTERNAL EMAIL] DO NOT CLICK links or attachments unless you recognize the sender and know the content is safe. Thanks. Handling Conflict “Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.
” — Ronald Reagan “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; ...
not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.” — Bible (James 1:19, Philippians 2:4) Bill and Jane were in the process of looking for a new car. Jane thought that a car was basically a necessary evil and wanted one that was convenient, roomy, and comfortable for their family of four.
She didn’t care what it looked like or how much horsepower it had; she just wanted basic transportation. Bill, on the other hand, wanted more of a sports car, one that was designed with an emphasis on looks and performance, such as handling, acceleration, the thrill of driving. This wasn’t just a friendly difference of opinion; it was a serious conflict.
They couldn’t afford two cars; it had to be one or the other. Conflict occurs when a disagreement leads to a perceived threat to needs, interests, or concerns. It results when we put our interests over those of someone else.
The root cause of conflict is that we are all different. God created us with unique abilities and personalities, which results in unique interests. Since marriage is by God’s design the intimate connection between a man and a woman, two very different creations, the path to conflict is an easy one to follow.
Most secular research says conflict is inevitable. The Bible has much to say about conflict, and the conclusion is that although conflict does occur, it doesn’t need to, if we learn to put others first. That doesn’t mean that we won’t have differences of opinion.
The challenge we deal with in the world today is that many people have taken God out of their lives. Therefore, we put ourselves first, which inevitably leads to conflict since others are also taking that selfish approach. Gary Smalley, in the book “Secrets to Lasting Love,” identifies four patterns of behavior resulting from conflict.
The first one is withdrawal and avoidance. Rather than addressing differences of opinion in a reasoned manner, we get upset and shut up. This doesn’t work.
The cause of the conflict doesn’t go away. It festers and eventually erupts. The second pattern is escalation.
Rather than clamming up, one or both speak up, loud and usually in anger, frustration, and often unkind criticism. Tempers explode and resolution of the differences is impossible for the moment. The third pattern is invalidation.
One spouse subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other. According to Dr. John Gottman, researcher and expert on relationships, “belittling your mate is the number one cause of divorce, the absolute biggie.
” The last destructive pattern is negative interpretations. We begin to question our spouse’s motivations. Rather than looking at their positive traits, we focus on the negative ones.
Negative thoughts, founded on reality or not, can lead to negative behavior, which escalates, in the wrong direction. Smalley suggests the first skill we need to master if we want to end conflict in our relationship is to honor our mate. When we honor another person, we place high values, worth, and importance on them.
We can view honor as a gift we give to another person. The world honors people for their performance. God says we honor others because they are His creation.
He loves them and so should we. In one version of the Bible the word honor shows up 221 times. Numerous times in the Old and New Testament we are told to “honor your father and mother.
” We are also exhorted to “honor the Lord.” In addition, we are told that “Marriage should be honored by all.” In fact, we are told to “live honorably in every way.
” There is something about honoring others. Try it, beginning with your spouse and moving out to others. It will do wonders for your relationships.
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