Asking Eric: Retired couple keeps hoping someone will offer to help pay for family dinners, but it never happens

Dear Eric: My husband and I are senior citizens in a large, blended family. Back when we were younger, and both gainfully employed, we paid for everything any time our blended family got together. Over the years, the family grew larger numerically.

The fact that we’re retired seems to make no difference in the expectation. Any time the group gathers at a restaurant, an outing, or even shopping we end up paying for everything. Our adult children range in age from the late 30’s to the 50’s.



Most are parents themselves, and some are even grandparents. We realize we’re mostly to blame for this pattern. We keep thinking someone will offer to at least pay for their own family.

So far that hasn’t happened. The fact that it’s “expected” and taken for granted, has limited our desire to get together with them as a group. Sometimes, since they assume we’re paying, they even invite others to join the group.

We enjoy our time with them until we’re handed the bill. No one even offers to leave the tip. How, after 35 years, do we break this expectation? – Tired of Footing the Bill Dear Bill: If it’s been going on for 35 years, it’s possible that your adult children think you want to always pay.

Yes, I can’t imagine why none of your children has pulled out a card once over the last 35 years, particularly in adulthood. It’s good manners. But, since they haven’t, you should let them know that you want them to.

While, in a perfect world, our loved ones would always know us well enough to anticipate our needs, sometimes we have to tell them. Something as simple as “we’d love to go out to dinner, but it would be wonderful if someone else can pay,” might suffice. If they all decline and it’s not because of financial constraints, you have a decision to make.

You can keep footing the bill for the sake of togetherness or you can find free ways to spend time as a family. Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.

com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.

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