Asking Eric: I let my new boyfriend move in, but now I want him to leave

Dear Eric: I allowed a new boyfriend to move in with me. I am six years widowed and thought this would be wonderful. He has some issues after being forced to move out from a previous relationship and has stated how thankful he is that I came into his life.

I guess my problem is he can be very negative and at times resents my grown children being around me. He states he would probably be living in his car or lying dead somewhere. He does have family from whom he is somewhat estranged.



I feel like I have lost some of my independence and that now it would be better to be somewhat alone. – Feeling Regrets Dear Regrets: Resenting your kids being around is a red flag. Coupled with his negativity and the comments he makes about what would happen if you hadn’t let him move in, his behavior strikes me as manipulative.

I worry that this is a pattern of behavior for him. You should ask yourself if this person is taking advantage of you and your relationship. If he’s not creating a generative, positive space in your now-shared home and he’s trying to push your kids away, at best he’s not in a position to be a good boyfriend.

At worst, he’s trying to isolate you. It’s not too late to tell him that this arrangement isn’t working out and he needs to make other plans. He may bring up the car or the ditch; those possibilities don’t negate your experience.

And they don’t have to be his reality. He can and should take responsibility for his living situation. You can help him think through his options, if you have the capacity, but you’re not stuck just because he’s in a bad place in his life.

If he’s truly as thankful as he says he is, perhaps this conversation will prompt him to make amends and make some changes. But right now, it sounds like he needs to do some work on himself before he’s ready to be in a relationship with you. If you need support in having the conversation, don’t be afraid to reach out to a friend or your kids.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.

O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.

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