6 days Ago
It can be tempting to always say yes to a loved one’s dinner invite or be the friend who’s known as consistently easygoing. But showing up in the ways you think people want (and that aren’t best for you) can be a sign of people-pleasing . People-pleasing is “the urge or tendency to prioritize other people’s needs before your own, and it’s often at the expense of yourself,” said Joseé Muldrew , a licensed professional counselor and the founder of The Looking Glass , a private therapy practice in Georgia.
People-pleasing may look like agreeing to attend every event you’re invited to, but on a deeper level, the behavior is a way of avoiding uncomfortable feelings such as guilt, anxiety or rejection, said Natalie Moore , a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. For example, if you turn down an invite to someone’s dinner party, you may worry that they’ll drop you as a friend. People-pleasing is even harder to stop because society rewards behaviors associated with it — like saying yes to requests, putting others’ needs before your own and maintaining relationships, Moore added.
The first step in breaking your people-pleasing tendencies is to acknowledge the patterns and behaviors that feed it. Experts say there are some common personality traits that may be a sign of people-pleasing. Here’s what they are: 1.
Always Being Agreeable And Easygoing “Where do you want to go for dinner?” is a question that’s often met with “wherever” or “I don’t care” from people pleasers, even if that’s not true. Muldrew explained that people pleasers tend to be agreeable, which is seen as a positive trait. Who wouldn’t want to be around someone who goes with the flow? “But a lot of times it comes at the expense of that person having to silence their own voice and maybe [not being able to] speak up for what they need or assert a boundary,” Muldrew said.
“In those moments, it feels like the more positive behavior or positive trait is to rearrange their own needs and set them to the side in order to prioritize someone else’s.” Leeor Gal , a licensed marriage and family therapist who owns The Therapy Gal , a private practice in Philadelphia, said that people pleasers are often referred to as accommodating and easygoing by their peers. “These words, these traits, are positive, right?” Gal said.
“We want to be easygoing. We want to go with the flow. We want to be accommodating.
We want to say yes. We want to make others feel comfortable around us. However, there comes a time where we’re doing this and we’re not being true to ourselves.
” You may think that someone should’ve known that you wouldn’t want to go to a certain restaurant or a specific event. “But you said that you wanted to, and so I think there’s some accountability that a people pleaser needs to take,” Gal said. What to try instead: The next time you’re at a restaurant or event and someone asks for your opinion, share it honestly.
For instance, “if somebody asks me what entree I want to get to share with everyone, I want to make sure that I’m honest and say that I want the XYZ,” Gal said. This is an example of setting a boundary to hold yourself accountable and stay present, which can help break through your people-pleasing tendencies, added Gal. 2.
Never Asking For Help You won’t often hear a people pleaser admitting that they need help. “This looks like a positive behavior because it looks like being self-sufficient, independent ..
. like someone who can pick themselves up all the time,” Moore said. “The darker side of this .
.. is that people pleasers don’t feel like they can actually ask other people for help because they are terrified of being an emotional burden on others and being seen as overly needy.
” This behavior probably stems from childhood, Moore said. Maybe your parent was overwhelmed and couldn’t handle your needs. “So, the child learns to basically not have needs.
They learn how to do a lot of things by themselves, even if those are not necessarily developmentally appropriate things for them to be doing,” Moore explained. “People pleasers learn how to just handle things on their own.” What to try instead: Start asking for help in low-stakes environments.
“For example, practice asking a server at the restaurant to bring you an extra set of utensils, or ask the bagger at the grocery store to help you load heavy items into your car,” Moore said. Since these folks are being paid to help you, “it can feel like an easier entry point for those who struggle with soliciting help,” she added. “Another tip: Ask a friend or family member to help out with something that’s fun, like planning a party or picking out a perfect gift,” Moore said.
From there, you can build up to asking for help with more difficult tasks in higher-stakes environments. 3. Maintaining Problematic Relationships “People pleasers tend to maintain problematic relationships.
What this looks like from the outside is a positive behavior. ..
. It looks like loyalty,” Moore said. “We tend to reward people for being loyal, and we see that as a positive thing in our society.
” But people pleasers take this loyalty to an extreme. “Instead of just being loyal to people who really deserve that loyalty and that trust, they tend to maintain problematic relationships with people who are either verbally abusive or maybe are constantly overstepping boundaries,” Moore explained. In romantic relationships, people pleasers might see loyalty as a reason not to break up with such partners.
“They are not good at setting and maintaining boundaries with these problematic people,” Moore said. “What they do instead is they make excuses for them, bend over backwards to meet their needs, try to do peacekeeping.” For instance, if a problematic family member isn’t invited to Thanksgiving dinner, the people pleaser may worry about their hurt feelings and convince the rest of the family to invite them.
“So, the people pleaser really abandons themselves and abandons their own needs in order to keep this other person feeling more comfortable,” Moore said. What to try instead: Not all relationships are meant to be maintained. If you feel bad after being with someone or find that you dread seeing them, it’s a clear sign that you need to establish boundaries around seeing this person or what you talk about.
You may even need to cut the relationship altogether. “People do stay in relationships because they worry about hurting the other person, but in reality, you are hurting the other person by staying in your relationship,” Gal said. “It’s a catch-22.
” With familial relationships, ask yourself if you’re overlooking bad behaviors just because someone is a family member, Moore advised. 4. Being Too Forgiving Society tells people that forgiveness is a good thing — and it certainly can be, but not when it’s at the expense of their own well-being .
People pleasers tend to be very forgiving, Muldrew said. They may think that forgiveness is the only way to more forward — even when they still hold anger. “What we see with people-pleasing is that actually sometimes there’s not true forgiveness that’s happening at the core, but it’s just the practice of saying that you’re forgiving someone in order to avoid conflict and in order to maintain a relationship with that person,” Muldrew said.
Instead of listening to yourself and admitting that you aren’t ready to forgive, you “kind of go along with whatever that person needs in order to feel secure in your attachment with them,” Muldrew added. What to try instead: Consider whether you’re granting forgiveness because you truly want to or because you’re seeking validation and approval from others. Muldrew said to ask yourself, “Am I engaging [in] this behavior because .
.. I’m trying to be conflict-avoidant, or I’m trying to avoid feeling abandoned by someone if I don’t meet their needs?” If you are just forgiving someone to avoid conflict, that’s a sign that you may not be ready to forgive.
Remember that your own feelings deserve attention, too. 5. Always Saying Yes To Social Engagements Going to a party that you don’t want to attend is a common experience for people pleasers.
Usually, attending social engagements is viewed positively — it looks like you’re being a good friend. But “if you never say no to these things, it’s not because you’re being a good friend; it’s because you’re really afraid of what that would mean about you if you ever said no,” Moore noted. If you are sick, feel tired or just a need a day to yourself, agreeing to attend a friend’s event is only going to drain your battery, leading to burnout and, eventually, resentment, Moore added.
“These behaviors of saying yes all the time are actually triggered by fear of being seen as a bad friend or being seen as someone who is cold or uncaring,” Moore said. What to try instead: Start to say no to certain requests, even if the requests seem small, Muldrew advised. You might turn down an invite to a birthday dinner or back out of plans when you’re feeling tired.
Guilt will likely arise as you say no, but sitting with that discomfort is important for learning how to say no more often. 6. Allowing Others To Have Access To You At All Times According to Muldrew, it’s common for people pleasers to be too accessible.
This could happen at work, by answering emails on the weekends, or with friends, by immediately answering phone calls and text messages — no matter what else you have going on. From the outside, you might seem reliable and dependable, which is often a good thing. But for people pleasers, this goes one step too far.
Being overly accessible is another example of a fear-based behavior; people pleasers are afraid of what could happen if they don’t reply right away. What to try instead: If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your notifications, turn them off at set times each day. Or try waiting an hour each morning before checking any texts and emails that came in overnight.
Why is it so important to stop people-pleasing? Because it robs you of your identity. “When we’re constantly conforming to other people’s views, wants, needs, we can easily lose sight of who we are and what we truly want,” Gal said. It’s not fair to go through life silencing your own needs and desires, and it’s not a kind thing to do, either.
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Whether you give just one more time or sign up again to contribute regularly, we appreciate you playing a part in keeping our journalism free for all. Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages. “A lot of people pleasers maintain the cycle because they’re afraid of appearing rude or seeming like a mean person,” Moore said.
“They don’t want to be a mean person; they want to be a nice person.” But there’s a difference between niceness and kindness. “‘Nice’ is more of a social construct, whereas kindness is more of this spiritual aspect of shared humanity, and being a good person and being empathic,” Moore added.
“When you recover from people-pleasing and you’re breaking a people-pleasing cycle, you’re actually leaning into true kindness, which includes being kind to others and being kind to yourself,” Moore said. “True kindness includes authenticity and honesty. .
.. If someone’s asking you a true opinion, giving them the real answer, that is true kindness.
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