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Borderline personality disorder often involves an instability in personal relationships. Here’s how ..
. [+] it can impact your love life. “Borderline personality disorder” or BPD is a complex mental health condition characterized by instability in one’s mood, behavior, self-image and relationships.
Individuals with BPD often have difficulty maintaining healthy, stable relationships and struggle with a deeply ingrained fear of abandonment. The disorder’s hallmark symptoms—such as rapid mood swings, impulsivity, idealizing or devaluing loved ones and a constant fear of rejection—can complicate even the strongest connections. For instance, these symptoms impact both the individual with BPD and their romantic partners, who may struggle to navigate these emotional highs and lows.
In a 2023 study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy , researchers interviewed 10 couples where one partner had been diagnosed with BPD, exploring in detail how it affected their relationship. Here are three challenges couples living with BPD often face, according to the study. 1.
It Can Heighten Conflict A hallmark of BPD is heightened emotional sensitivity, which can lead to personalizing everyday interactions and conflicts. This often results in misunderstandings, unresolved conflicts and feelings of hurt for both partners. The 50 Best Black Friday Deals So Far, According To Our Deals Editors Brooklinen’s Black Friday Sale Is Already Live—Save Up To 50% For the partner with BPD, internalized shame about their diagnosis can amplify this dynamic.
They may assume their partner sees them through the same lens of stigma they’ve internalized, and that they also hold negative beliefs about their BPD. This perceived judgment creates barriers to emotional support. “I’m angry that this happened to me, that I have this (BPD).
Sometimes that anger and shame filters into our relationship, makes me feel like maybe he thinks of me negatively. Whenever we would get in a fight, I felt very dumb. I used to say ‘I’m not stupid,’ and he’d always be like, ‘I’ve never said you were stupid.
’ I’d say, ‘Don’t treat me like a child,’ and he’d say, ‘I never treated you like a child; I never said you were a child,’” one participant explains. On the other hand, the partner without BPD may also struggle. Personalizing their partner’s emotional reactions and seeing them as intentional attacks can hinder their ability to provide support.
One couple’s interaction makes this clear: “If I’m angry...
it’s hard for him to really support me, and I don’t really feel supported that well,” one participant with BPD explains. “Yeah, I want to be [supportive]. I realize that I’m not.
Sometimes I wish I could. Other times I’m like, ‘how could you even possibly ask that of me, given the way that you’re treating me?’ But that’s the nature of the beast (BPD),” their partner responds. 2.
It Can Create A Cycle Of Blame When emotions run high, it’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming BPD for relationship issues. While the disorder can play an important role, overemphasizing it can lead to feelings of resentment, helplessness and hopelessness. “When things were bad in the relationship and I saw these symptoms in her, I would put more of it on her, like, ‘This is all your fault,’ or, ‘Things are bad right now because of you .
.. because you have BPD.
Just saying ‘BPD’ instantly triggered her,” one participant explains. “I just felt like I was going to be labeled like a crazy person..
.I felt crazy,” their partner responds, highlighting the struggle of always feeling like “the problem” in the relationship. Researchers found that this can also exacerbate shame in the partner with BPD, leading them to adopt defensive behaviors and intensify conflict.
“The way that BPD affects our conflict is me feeling attacked, me feeling like I have to constantly defend myself,” one participant with BPD explains. “As soon as she feels like she’s being attacked, then the emotions come in, then all rational stuff goes out the window and then it’s a completely different topic altogether,” her partner explains, describing how they often get stuck in a vicious, unhelpful cycle of blame. Many couples also felt overwhelmed by the cyclical nature of the challenges, struggling with regulating BPD episodes and questioning if the relationship would ever stabilize.
Researchers suggest that recovery is not a linear path, and this can take a toll on both partners. “I’ll walk into the room, and I’ll just start crying and saying I’m worthless and like, ‘Nothing’s going for me, I’m a failure,’” one participant with BPD mentions. “And then in those moments it’s really hard to remind her of truths.
I can sit there and affirm how I feel and the positive aspects that I see in her. But depending on the severity of the mood, sometimes I can help, and sometimes I can’t. Sometimes time is the only thing that allows that to really pass,” her partner explains.
3. It Can Fuel A Sense Of Disconnection Experiencing a loss of connection is a common struggle for couples navigating BPD. Intense emotions, trust issues and conflict avoidance often contribute to these feelings of distance.
“It doesn’t really feel like we can come to a resolution, even after a big argument. We kind of both just walk away because everything gets so emotionally charged. ‘Well, let’s just avoid that,’” one participant explains.
While this approach may temporarily defuse tension, it often leaves important issues unresolved, perpetuating emotional distance. Participants with BPD also struggled with articulating their emotions and being truly vulnerable with their partners. A fear of rejection and abandonment often made them closed off to deeper emotional connection.
“I needed to be honest about my emotions so he could be supportive. I don’t want him to see me so vulnerable even though he’s the only person who I would (logically) want to see me like that,” one participant explains. “The whole nature of the disorder is to blow things out of proportion, to go from, ‘I don’t like what you did,’ to, ‘I don’t like you,’ to, ‘Go away forever,’” another participant adds, describing how they often pushed their partner away, straining their emotional connection.
While BPD symptoms can demand significant relational energy, many participants in the study noted that navigating them as a shared challenge forced them to develop advanced communication and conflict-resolution skills. BPD can act as a mirror, reflecting areas in a relationship that need attention and opportunities for personal growth. It’s essential to remember that BPD doesn’t diminish a person’s capacity for love or their worthiness of being loved and that it’s possible to build stronger relationships with time, compassion and an enduring commitment to inner healing.
Do you and your partner struggle to effectively resolve conflict? Take this science-backed test to find out: Ineffective Arguing Inventory.
