2 Hidden Burdens That Can Chip Away At A Marriage — By A Psychologist

At the start of a marriage, love might feel effortless. Partners naturally give their best, eager to impress and make each other happy. But over time, hidden expectations can creep in, placing an unseen strain on the relationship.

These burdens don’t always show up in obvious ways — they hide behind good intentions and societal norms, making them difficult to recognize. Yet, they slowly chip away at trust, intimacy and marital satisfaction, leaving partners feeling exhausted, disconnected and misunderstood. Marriages often crumble under the weight of unrealistic expectations, and it’s important to recognize — or even prevent — them before it’s too late.



Here are two types of burdens placed upon partners that weigh heavily on a marriage, according to research. Perfection may seem like a noble goal in a marriage, but it’s often a silent destroyer. It starts subtly — wanting your spouse to handle conflicts perfectly, maintain an ideal work-life balance or always be on the same emotional wavelength.

At first, these expectations appear to stem from a desire for excellence, but over time, they morph into impossible standards that leave no room for human error. Let’s say you expect your partner to instinctively know when you’re overwhelmed and immediately step in with the perfect solution. When they don’t notice your stress or respond in a way that isn’t exactly what you’d hoped for, you feel let down.

You wonder why they can’t seem to read your mind, believing that a more attuned partner would naturally sense your needs. However, this expectation places an unfair burden on your partner, requiring him to be emotionally omniscient — an impossible task for any partner. No one can flawlessly anticipate another person’s emotions or respond perfectly every time, and when this ideal goes unmet, it breeds disappointment and resentment.

A 2024 review published in Frontiers in Psychology explored the relationship between such perfectionism and marital outcomes. Researchers describe it as a “destructive factor” and found that across multiple studies, having high perfectionistic standards for a partner has been shown to exacerbate stress, burnout and conflict in relationships. It’s also associated with lower marital satisfaction.

This is especially true for maladaptive forms of perfectionism. Unlike healthy striving, which lovingly encourages growth, maladaptive perfectionism is controlling, and leaves no room for mistakes or differences in approach. Spouses become more unforgiving and intolerant, making their partners feel like they’re constantly falling short.

“Maladaptive or negative perfectionism is related to idealistic concerns such as worrying about mistakes and a lack of alignment between expectations and outcomes. Negative perfectionists expect themselves, their life partners and family members to be perfect, but this unrealistic expectation is not met,” the researchers explain. “As a result, they constantly encounter difficulties in their relationships with their spouses, and trust and friendship in their marital relationships decrease.

This behavior diminishes their partner’s self-confidence and becomes distressing for them,” the researchers add, highlighting the detrimental impact these expectations can have for their partner and their marriage. The first step to breaking free from perfectionism is recognizing that it’s an illusion . Partners need to create a space where mistakes are viewed as learning opportunities and differences are met with curiosity and acceptance.

Honest conversations about expectations can also reveal where a little more flexibility is necessary, as love can only thrive with mutual understanding, not rigid criticism. Another heavy burden in relationships is one that often goes unnoticed, which is part of the problem. The “ invisible load ” in relationships refers to the unseen mental, emotional and logistical responsibilities that one partner primarily carries, leaving them feeling exhausted and unappreciated.

Even in relationships where physical chores are divided equally, one partner often bears the mental burden of ensuring that everything runs smoothly. For instance, you may share household tasks with your spouse, but if you’re the one constantly remembering when the bills are due, planning the grocery list or keeping track of upcoming appointments, you’re likely carrying the invisible load. A 2023 study fittingly titled “Who’s Remembering to Buy the Eggs?” published in the Journal of Business and Psychology examined the impact of the invisible load on families.

Researchers highlighted that while tasks like washing dishes or taking out the trash are visible, other responsibilities — such as remembering appointments, managing family schedules and anticipating emotional needs — are less visible, yet require significant cognitive and emotional labor. What’s worse is women disproportionately carry the invisible load , reflecting traditional gender norms that expect women to be natural caregivers and household managers. This imbalance often goes unnoticed, understandably leading to feelings of resentment and fatigue.

When spouses remain unaware or even refuse to acknowledge the invisible load, it takes a significant toll on their burdened partner’s mental and physical well-being, and consequently their relationship. Spouses shouldering this burden will often feel unseen, unappreciated, taken for granted and utterly alone in their relationship, juggling multiple roles and responsibilities without any recognition or support. To counter this, it’s essential to make the invisible load visible, and for their spouses to start noticing all the effort that goes into organizing and sustaining the life they have together.

They must take personal accountability to do more and invest in their personal growth, so that they can be truly equal partners — mentally, emotionally and physically. Acknowledging the mental and emotional labor involved is the first step. From there, couples can work together to share these burdens more equitably.

Small, intentional changes — like expressing appreciation, communicating needs clearly and checking in about emotional and mental loads — can breathe new life into a relationship. The strongest marriages aren’t those free from burdens, but those where partners recognize them, address them together and grow stronger because of it. How satisfied are you in your marriage? Take this science-backed test to find out: Marital Satisfaction Scale.